I know /how/ to date in itself, but I’m curious how other AuDHDers go about meeting people to date. Ive only been let down and demoralized using mainstream apps, and the advice of “go find a group hangout” feels very antithetical to my entire being. I hate being in large groups where I know no one. I’m pretty jaded by the idea of just waiting for that right person to come along too, when it feels like it has happened, there’s usually a reason we can’t even entertain dating, such as meeting them after they’ve just started a new relationship with someone. I feel ready and would really enjoy finding someone that doesn’t need all the masks and can love me for who I am, but I feel like I don’t know how to go about meeting the right person.
So I’m curious, how do you meet people for the purpose of dating?
I was in a simmilar situation a while ago
For a multitude of reasons I left mainstream society as whole and began hanging out with alternative and queer communities exclusively.
Along with other things I noted my dating experience was improving significantly. Not only did I found other neurodivergent folk with whom a social interaction was fun, but I was influenced by what I actually wanted in a partner.
After becoming poly and beginnging my transition, going back to dating in “normie-space” turned out to be impossible.
At this point I think the difference in what I need and what the mainstream can provide is to large. The people who understand me most are the ones whom I share a connection with, either by having simmilar conditions or modes of thinking in general. Those are the people I want to date and who also want to date me, for simmilar reasons.
Maybe not a feasible option for you, but I know others who have a simmilar story like this. Hope you find a fitting solution
Poly is certainly not in the cards for me, but increasing time with my queer friends sounds like it’s certainly worth exploring. Even if they don’t have other straight friends, at least I’ll still get quality time with good people.
One last piece of advice:
Dont look for dates, look for cool people and find out later who you click with. Changes the expectations and puts less strain on minds and it filters out political imcompatible people. After all, what good is it to just find a nice “date” and then they tell you that abortion is morally wrong?
how do you meet people for the purpose of dating?
I don’t. I work and go home, go to the grocery store or other errands sometimes, and occasionally walk some nearby trails to a spot I can smoke a joint and read a book by a creek. That’s it. I can’t meet people at the stores because women just want to do their business without being bothered (be they customer or employee), everyone at work is married or dating (half of them to each other, no less), and on the trails they’d rather I was a bear than some random stoner with a used book, so I can’t meet them there either. Commonly I’m told I should join a gym or find a hobby like you, by what I can only assume is a guy who found his wife in 1986, but then I’m also told by like actual women (trans inclusive) they don’t like it when the 6000th guy hits on them at those places, so idk who to believe but so far I’m believing the women. The bars and apps are conducive to hook ups and flings not lasting relationships, which isn’t what I’m looking for, and in addition to the bar’s clientelle being on average heavier drinkers that I’m seeking and the apps being spyware and pay to play.
I’ll come back to this thread to peruse myself though, hopefully there’ll be something more than “get lucky” and “transition and become poly” by the time I come back lol. Already trying the “just be lucky” option and transitioning is a little more than I’m willing to do just to get a date, since I’m not trans lmao.
(Gonna stop lurking for a change and try posting something… but I don’t have any easy solution for this either 😅)
I personally haven’t had any luck, and can empathize with the crappiness of online dating - thanks Match Group for making everything a nightmarish swipefest! (And thanks late-stage capitalism for a lack of third places!)
If you need a sign of hopefulness - all of my friends are AuDHD and are in stable long-term relationships. Most of them met their people through specific hobbies that had a more “extreme” edge to them (things like BDSM and LARP). The rest were set up by mutual friends. So it’s certainly possible.
But if you’re like me and feel like things are hopeless… I’ll share advice from therapy I’ve gotten on the matter, in the hopes it might help someone else:
Basically my therapist suggested that I may never have a romantic relationship in my entire life, and if that happens, what type of life would I live in spite of that? Radical acceptance of that idea and “playing the tape through to the end”, as painful as it has been, has been something I’ve grappled with this past year.
Real example of said grappling: Do I want to take a solo trip to Japan? Hell no , the idea terrifies me. I don’t want to leave my room most days, and I don’t know the language. But waiting for a partner to show up in my life to share it with isn’t ideal either, because it means continuing to put my life on hold for an outcome I can in no way guarantee. And I would like to visit Japan sooner rather than later.
In my darkest moments, I often feel immense shame and hopelessness because I haven’t been successful with dating or love, believing that I am somehow uniquely broken. Leaning into that fear/shame has both been really hard and at least gotten me out there doing activities solo these past few months rather than simply wait for “luck” to strike. I suppose getting out there in some way increases the probability I may find someone, but it’s kind of a counterintuitive way to get there.
(30s F, for reference)
