They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way. Now that the divorce is happening, they’ve gone full Evangelist style batshit lecturing about how sinful everyone’s lives are. What can I do?
Ex charismatic case here:
As others have pointed out=> they have to figure it out, you can only help and wait it out.
They preach it themselves, be patient, show your life and wait. Same goes the other way.
The difference is that they are in a trap so to speak. They can’t back out because that triggers the fear of hell (it’s a one way street).
If they make it out it’ll probably be because their god has let them down for the millionth time on important issues. Be there for them in those moments and show them that life goes on outside of their bubble. And that life is good there. They’re in for a dark ride.
If it comes down to debating the matter: be careful. A good gotcha can feel like a small victory but it can also cut you out of their life. Or only embolden them to look up more fringe and whacky theories.
From my experience it’s probably more effective to dismiss such debates. Show them you care about them as a person and not their religion.
I dearly dearly wish you all the strength and love you can use. I hope they make it out.
Spirituality is healthy when it isn’t exclusionary. Unfortunately it too often manifests as ancient dos and don’ts, haves and have nots.
Dont quote scripture at them. Approaching an emotional challenge with a logical solution is never well received. The other side just assumes you don’t understand what they’re going through. This isn’t a debate for one side to win. This is a (midlife) crisis of meaning and one’s sense of morality or righteousness. Perhaps they feel the divorce was not in line with their religious beliefs and looking out for faults in others is how they’re trying desperately make peace with what’s happened.
They’re probably looking for some form of healing from a broken relationship they’ve both heavily invested in, and finding fault in others gives them a momentary vindication, the ability to say “see, I’m not that bad”.
It what context are they lecturing? Is it due to people they’re directly interacting with or social media?
I can tell they want emotional support through all this and usually that’s really easy to help them through because all I need to do is sit and listen to them go through the grief while giving input if they ask and stuff but when they suddenly lurch into the Repent Session it’s like a completely different conversation is happening.
Any interaction, real-life or social media could trigger it. Like if they see a testimony of someone’s divorce story on tiktok, or if they got bad service at a restaurant, and especially when dealing with the legal process and settlement. And most of all when the televangelists are on TV or social media.
[Edit: There was an anecdote here but I feel like that might be over sharing, removed it]
They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way.
Yes, people can be that
It doesn’t seem to be the case for op’s parent.
Telling them that they should’ve addressed this sooner isn’t helpful to OP right now.
- Divorce is a sin, so if they are trying to get hardcore religious and lecturing people, they need to handle their hypocrisy first.
- Get them more involved in their current religious organisation instead of the cults
Yes, divorce is often considered a sin. And…?
The great thing about Christianity is that sin is expected, anticipated and in some ways, even celebrated.
The forgiveness of sin is a foundational Christianity principle. IMHO, it’s also why that religions is so popular, especially evangelical Christianity.
Here’s the gist: Humans are evil beings, filled with sin, each and every one of us. You WILL end up sinning and at that point, you can ask forgiveness. If you are sincere, God will forgive you. YAY! The burden of guilt is now lifted and you can go about your day.
This is why Christians can do horrible things and then walk away unphased. They have a get of jail free card. When/if they start to feel guilty about their deeds, they just ask forgiveness.
I’m not being flippant - this process satisfies a deep psychological need that many people seem to have. They want to be a good, empathetic person - but they are greedy and selfish and jealous, just like the rest of us. The Christian religion taps into this common trait and leverages it to the absolute max.
Isn’t divorce only a sin for Catholics who don’t get it annulled? I thought divorce was more acceptable among Protestants
I’m assuming the more hardline you go, the harder the rules get.
My parents got divorced in 1981. My mom was raised Pentecostal (the Tammy Faye Bakker kind, not the long skirts kind), and she was intermittently ultra-involved in the church.
During one of those times (in the mid-'90s), she came to the understanding that she could never remarry because the only “biblically acceptable” reason for divorce was unfaithfulness. Since that wasn’t why she and my dad got divorced, dating anyone else would be considered adultery. So she swore off dating.
To be fair, I don’t know if this is something that came from the church or something she came up with on her own. I just remember thinking it was pretty ridiculous.
So whether it’s official church doctrine or not, I do think that the more extreme the church, the more extreme the rules are.
One of my core values is that people get to decide for themselves what to believe. And it sounds a whole lot like you’re disrespecting your parent’s agency.
Imagine the thread: My son is talking like an atheist, how do I make them change?
I’d gladly take them to church if that was all it was. But aside from wanting me to attend they bring the sermon into every conversation to the point where we can barely talk anymore. I’ve suggested seeking support even at the church if they don’t want a therapist, but they’d rather just lecture about the sinfulness of watching TV or how they regret not forcing me to attend church every week. I thought religion is a personal relationship with the deity in question? Why drag in people who don’t want to be involved in it?
So…is this about how her religious beliefs are affecting HER life?
Or is it more about how her religious beliefs are affecting your relationship with her?
It’s the 2nd one, I’m not trying to take away her source of spiritual relief or anything - but to make it really simple, it’s no longer “I love God and live by his teachings” but unprompted “You’ll burn in hell for not loving God, you believe in nothing and God will make you pay” kind of lectures for like 2 hours. Surely that’s cause for concern considering I have to talk to her everyday?
That’s kind of what people finding new meanings on life are like. Is there a power dynamic with your parent where they can still affect your quality of life? If not you can still be supportive of their journey while not letting them curmudgeon you with guilt. Not every Christian has to use their ideology to kill their empathy, though that’s usually what disenfranchised new converts are trying to do.
Either way, based on these statements they’re obviously too far into it for one person to pull them out. At that point the challenge is more getting them to still recognize your agency and personhood. Draw the boundaries where their faith ends and your life starts.
“Is there a power dynamic with your parent where they can still affect your quality of life?” In short, yes - enough that the guilt is already there. I’m not trying to change their religious beliefs or anything, but they’ve never reached the “you’ll burn in hell for [insert anything here really]” stage before. That’s supposed to be like a red flag right?
Yeah that’s pretty hateful. There’s something underlying there that Christianity is accelerating. Somebody else suggested gaining some distance and that sounded extreme but maybe that’s not such a bad idea. You don’t want to be dependent on a Christian who is in a mental health spiral
Most people join cults for community and structure and answers. There’s resources like https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-mind/202104/the-definitive-guide-helping-people-trapped-in-cult and https://www.peopleleavecults.com/post/help-cult-involved but I think the general idea is stay calm don’t crash out when talking about it, help them notice the manipulation techniques being used that are common to cults, asking questions that help undermine indoctrination and inspire more skepticism, and provide alternatives for the reasons they are wanting to join or stay in a cult without the manipulation and lies a cult requires to exist.
Judge not, before you judge yourself.
Wow, so insightful 🙄
Move out, change you phone number. Check in on them occasionally, maintain your distance until you’re comfortable. Neither of you owe automatic allegiance unless you choose to.
It’s their parent’s, OP is worried about them and you’re telling OP to abandon them?
They’re not OPs responsibility, nor should OP feel obligated to be traumatized by them.
