I’ve had my first job for a year now. My partner got his dream job which requires us to move. My job had an office in that state. But because of stupid in person team rules from this aloof dipshit VP (came from Amazon surprise surprise) they won’t let me move and keep working.
I thought if I could be reasonable and up front they would work with me. But now I’m just a corpse to them. Already working on replacing me. Even though it will be more expensive and might tank the project per the teams advice. I’m on 4 hours sleep right now so might just be ranting.
But I am disconcerted by the level of visceral hatred I feel towards this VP. So detached, so caught up in vapid buzzwords. Where do these people come from. Why are there so many of them in positions of power. How do I handle these feelings without making my partner feel guilty.
I’ve probably made a straw man out of him. He probably has a family and interests. I don’t like how I feel this way. I’ve never felt this way. I don’t want to go back out into the job market.
I think you’re handling it fine. Sometimes ranting and ravimg is absolutely necessary and you just need to be pissed off for a while.
Don’t let your anger fester, and don’t let yourself get quietly replaced. Start unionizing. If you don’t know where to start, take the free Organizer Training course by CODE-CWA. I personally pushed out 2 high level asshole managers during my campaign
You are going to die someday relatively soon.
I dealt with the same thing many times and it really helped me to understand what a malignant narcissist is: https://mindpsychiatrist.com/how-to-deal-with-a-malignant-narcissist-at-work/
Malignant narcissists see other human beings as nothing more than puppets. If a puppet isn’t doing what they want (usually after some emotional abuse) they’ll toss it aside and just get another puppet that will. These people are usually incapable of feeling empathy for others.
Sounds like your VP is a prime example.
Right now I’m working 100% remotely for my company, but considering moving to another state so I can be with my long-distance girlfriend. I was thinking about asking if it was OK but… Now I think I’m just gonna go and if they randomly decide I need to be in the office someday is when I’ll tell them the great news lol
…and by that I’ll say “yeah, I’ll be there in a day to straighten this whole thing out, I’m delayed because of Insert lie here!” And then fly in like a loser because this job is the only thing keeping my head above water right now
Yeah… That not going to work unless you can maintain a mailing address in your current state. You employer has a withhold taxes and other stuff and it varies from state to state. So they need to know what state you’re in, so they can follow the laws of that state. It’s a headache for payroll and hr, so if there’s not already a corporate presence in that state they may just say no and deny your relocation… Which is really bad if you’ve already relocated. Having a way to maintain a mailing address in the state council work with the tax situation, but it is illegal and the new state will want their cut when they find out.
I don’t know what country but, in the US that’s a textbook example of constructive dismissal if they force you to work in office.
It wouldn’t help you keep your job but, it’s highly likely it would make you eligible for unemployment while looking for a new job.
Do you get insurance through your job? Also, taxes would be a nightmare
I could use the same advice right now.
I may have mentioned that our department would run more smoothly if the manager came to work more than twice a week. She didn’t really like that idea, and now she’s giving me the cold shoulder.
Yesterday I asked if one of our groups had used the pool. I saw it was originally part of their contract, but I didn’t see any pool time on their schedule. I was expecting a simple yes they did, or no they didn’t. Instead I got:
“because use of the pool was included in the contracted package and was ultimately not used, we need to ensure the overall value of the agreement remains equitable.”
Thanks ChatGPT. 🤦🏻♂️
Quit, then shoot ‘em in the face.
I empathize. I want to be clear that I think your anger is justified and normal. The machinery of capitalism dehumanizes by default and its operator’s casual cruelty amplifies the impact.
That said: I’m going to skip over the rest of the context and cut down to your questions directly. I can’t provide “do this” type answers because I’m not you. I can tell you how I think about it, what I do, and why. The first answer is lengthy. The other two are a bit shorter. I hope you find them helpful.
- How do I handle my anger?
Step 1: Sit with it. Be angry. If I’m questioning the justification for my anger then I give myself permission to be angry anyway. This isn’t the same as acting on it. I’m not giving in to my emotions. I’m not bargaining with them. I’m letting them really fully exist in me. Recognizing there is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel.
Once I’ve settled into this and accepted my emotions (and sometimes this takes a while) I can then decide if any action would be safe and helpful.
Step 2: I often find physicalizing intense emotion helps make it “real”. This has to be a considered choice though. It’s not reactive or destructive. I can beat up my mattress, take a hike into the woods and scream, make an effigy or a sign and burn it, go to a Rage Room and pay for the privilege of breaking stuff, etc.
It can feel invalidating to have emotion for which there is no acceptable expression. Finding a healthy way of expressing that emotion helps break down that false wall. Polite society is a very unnatural state (thankfully! Nature is terrifying) and we are ultimately natural creatures. This friction can be harnessed to create art and meaning but, sometimes, you just need to break some shit and be mad. That’s ok. We still ought to be responsible about it.
Sometimes that responsibility extends to taking actions in the pursuit of fairness and justice. These are noble pursuits that should not be sullied by rash or vengeful acts. Organizing these efforts nets significantly more success than individual acts.
Step 3:
Start unpacking.
Am I enraged? Incensed? Disappointed? Betrayed? Anger is a rug pulled over the top of many other emotions. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. I do find it unhelpful when I’m trying to accept and understand myself better though.
Uncovering what the anger is built from makes our emotional scaffolding easier to see. Sometimes I use a thesaurus to find synonyms for the name of the emotion I’m already familiar with.
Identifying the component emotions helps me understand what my emotional state is trying to tell me. We feel what we feel for a reason. Understanding our why help us understand the impact of other’s actions without requiring we understand their intentions.
Ultimately the answer for any unknown part of ourselves is self-investigation, acceptance, and curation. It is good and right to ask for help with every part of that process. When I run into something I can’t accept and/or change then I know it’s time to talk to a professional and build some new tools.
- How do I avoid making my partner feel guilty?
Talk to them. :)
If I’m worried that I’m going to say something poorly or if I feel accuracy is key I will write out what I want to say ahead of time. I’m not so much writing them a letter as I’m writing myself one. Sometimes I write them a letter though.
Disconnecting initiating factors from their cascade effects after my partner and I have made a decision together is a very useful frame. Say we decide to go camping because my partner wants to and say I get injured during the trip. I can feel what I feel without regretting agreeing to the trip. I’m certainly not going to blame my partner for suggesting the trip. Bad stuff happens. That’s life. Sharing the pain of the bad stuff is something I want my partner to do with me. Neglecting the reciprocity of that belittles our relationship.
- How do I stop hating someone who has wronged me?
The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Hate is empassioned. It burns and writhes and lashes. It urges us to demonize and conquer. I’m not sure what the opposite of hate is, exactly. I think it’s something close to disappointment.
I’m reminded of Paulo Freire’s Pedagogy of the Oppressed. One of my most memorable takeaways, in my own words, was that if we’re to escape the self-sustaining cycle of human abuse we must realize that in dehumanizing us our oppressors dehumanize themselves as well. To Freire’s mind the only successful revolution is one in which the oppressor is re-humanized as well as the oppressed.
I have trouble imagining myself feeling sympathy for those doing evil things. When that gets in the way of me letting go of (arguably justified) hatred I think of my younger self. Would I hate that person for being small-minded or callous? Maybe! A least for a moment. Then I would remember they have so many things they don’t know yet and so much growing to do. It doesn’t excuse the harm done. It nets me a better perspective on how much potential people can live up to. That helps me avoid hatred. When hatred fizzles out I find I’m left with disappointment and sometimes disgust. Those don’t lead me to dehumanize someone. I think that’s a good start if nothing else.
Anger, especially in a situation like this, is expected, natural, and healthy. Not having anger in this situation would be a problem.
If it’s causing issues in your life, though, it’s definitely worthwhile to consider taking some steps to improve your mental health.
Therapy’s probably the obvious low-hanging fruit. You talk about “handling these feelings without making my partner feel guilty”. That’s something talk therapy would be really good at addressing.
Another approach you can take (and not mutually exclusive with therapy by any means) is a mindfulness sort of practice. Both being mindful of your feelings during your regular day/routine as well as setting aside some time to sit still and watch your thoughts can be very helpful. Here’s one guide you could follow. But feel free to research and pick a method yourself if you prefer. (And you definitely don’t need an app unless that appeals to you.)
You need to already be in the job market - if they’re looking at replacing you, you need to be looking at replacing them. And if you find a job where your partner’s dream job is, you just leave.
I’ve probably made a straw man out of him. He probably has a family and interests.
Trying to empathize will probably make it worse because it will never be reciprocated and that hurts. I bet it would be easier to deal with if you accept that he is your adversary and you don’t owe him anything.
I don’t want to go back out into the job market.
At least it will mean you will never have to interact with this particular person again. I think it’s ok to hate someone, just channel that into removing their ability to make decisions that affect you.
Yes, VPs and C-suite do not work for the employees, they work for the shareholders
I think you brought up an important point. There is no reason to empathize with the bad boss. And also it’s quite likely that the boss is in fact a bad person in general in their life.
Go on early, being a fish covered in blue cheese dressing and hide it in the ceiling if you’re bosses office.
Go [in] early, [bring] a fish covered in blue cheese dressing[,] and hide it in the ceiling [of] [your] [boss’s] office.
Nice.
For years I’d threatened: “the only way you’ll know I’ve quit is an empty desk and a fish in the microwave.” Whenever some idiot nuked a fish for lunch, everyone would drift past my desk and confirm I’m still employed.
When I did quit, my only statement was an animated gif of a fish slowly turning in a microwave. I was already headed for the airport.
You now have free time. Get written recommendations and swap contacts with your superiors and coworkers.
Respectfully make certain that each and every one of them hears that they cannot expect to remain with the company when they move to another area with a separate campus.
I’d tell them my honest opinion with all the hate and viscera I have. Sounds like you’re either gonna have to quit or will be fired anyway so ain’t got nothing to lose. Fuck the bastard’s feelings. Tell him what you really think.
Companies. Give. No. Fucks. About. You.
This is a good lesson for you. Remember it in future.
Do not get angry at them. Show them the complete and utter lack of care that they show you.
They are not worthy of your energy, so do not waste it on them. Do your job - adequitely - and move on.
