CW: substance abuse, dysphoria, internalized transphobia
Today has been nothing but nonstop crying for me. I woke up in a bad mood already (a bit sad). I notice this happens a lot the day after my injection. I’m on valerate, so I guess it’s the peak of my E levels…
But anyway, I decided to get some more kratom, because I hate myself and it’s something that actually makes the pain, dysphoria and overall misery go away. There’s a store downtown that sells it, so I took a tram.
On the way there and on the way back…god, I don’t know how I’d ever explain this to a cis person…
Seeing happy cishet couples flirting, having fun together, seeing beautiful and I mean stunning cis girls EVERYWHERE while I’m just huddled in a corner, doing my best not to cry. The pain is existential, that feeling of envy for something that I will never be…something I can never be.
Explaining this to cis people is purely impossible.
I wish so desperately I fit in. From the very beginning. All the way from kindergarten, worrying about normal girl stuff during the stages of my life. Flirting with boys along the way. Being desired by straight men. Fitting into the format from day one. It hurts so fucking much that I’ll never experience that. Instead, I’m just a guy sometimes wearing a dress and taking estrogen…and that’s all I’ll ever fucking be
“But you’re only 7 months HRT!”
Yeah…I know. But this isn’t gonna get better. I won’t magically become a cis girl at X months HRT. I won’t ever be able to get pregnant. My bone structure will never change. I don’t honestly think I’ll ever pass, even though I naively thought I “started early” in the beginning.
I don’t want to go outside again. I don’t want to be among cis people, if I don’t have to. I hate myself so much…
I have to go outside tomorrow, actually. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ll tell her to give me escitalopram instead of bupropion, even at the cost of my libido. I can’t do this. I can’t go outside without hating myself. My anxiety is through the roof, so is my dysphoria. Nobody should have to live like this. I hate it
Sorry for ranting again. I just feel actually useless. I feel like an object, not even like a person. I’m just…screwed
I am so sorry your struggling with do much :( your doing a good job getting through it.
First of all, you are a women Miisha.
And second, this is how I try to handle my doubts about transition. Idk how good it is for you, but for me it has helped.
I of course relate a lot to the jealousy of cis women. How they look, their friendship dynamics. Im jealous that they can wake up a women in the sense of being identifiably a women. Whereas I have to dress up, put lots of effort in to look like a… femboy.
But on your comment on being a man in a dress, girl you are a women in a dress! Honestly your outfits are always so pretty. You are a pretty women.
But here are my comments on self acceptance. But not to be confused with a position of this will never get better and always feeling this way. In fact its the opposite.
When I think about this I think about disability actually. Someone close to me was horrible disabled by neurological condition. They use a wheelchair, they have an ostomy bag, it was traumatic to watch. Incredibly traumatic for them.
With this, there is a question of how tough they are. People say “oh you must be so strong”. They arent really. The implication of the question is they cant seem themselves living with it. But this person makes do with what they have. Not in a how strong am i way, but what can I make with what ive got. They still suffer a lot, but honestly they’ve done a lot and carved some happiness out of this dreadful position. Recently got a house with their partner.
That is a fairly extreme example, but for me, thinking about my issues, both in terms of my own disability (autism) and my pretty exteme doubts of “passability” I always focus on what I can do, albeit I would grieve having not passing, as well as grieving not being seen as a women by some. But I try to find prettiness in myself that is womenly albeit with the masculine af shoulders that give me dysphoria, or a little thinning hair (devstating for me lol)
I think to myself: maybe I could pass, but if I dont, I am still a pretty fucking women! It would still suck to not pass, but its so much better then giving up and being a man.
Sorry for the trauma dump on your own post, I just hope it gives you something. Idk, this thinking does a little to help with dysphoria, and the crushing possibility of never passing.