CW: substance abuse, dysphoria, internalized transphobia
Today has been nothing but nonstop crying for me. I woke up in a bad mood already (a bit sad). I notice this happens a lot the day after my injection. I’m on valerate, so I guess it’s the peak of my E levels…
But anyway, I decided to get some more kratom, because I hate myself and it’s something that actually makes the pain, dysphoria and overall misery go away. There’s a store downtown that sells it, so I took a tram.
On the way there and on the way back…god, I don’t know how I’d ever explain this to a cis person…
Seeing happy cishet couples flirting, having fun together, seeing beautiful and I mean stunning cis girls EVERYWHERE while I’m just huddled in a corner, doing my best not to cry. The pain is existential, that feeling of envy for something that I will never be…something I can never be.
Explaining this to cis people is purely impossible.
I wish so desperately I fit in. From the very beginning. All the way from kindergarten, worrying about normal girl stuff during the stages of my life. Flirting with boys along the way. Being desired by straight men. Fitting into the format from day one. It hurts so fucking much that I’ll never experience that. Instead, I’m just a guy sometimes wearing a dress and taking estrogen…and that’s all I’ll ever fucking be
“But you’re only 7 months HRT!”
Yeah…I know. But this isn’t gonna get better. I won’t magically become a cis girl at X months HRT. I won’t ever be able to get pregnant. My bone structure will never change. I don’t honestly think I’ll ever pass, even though I naively thought I “started early” in the beginning.
I don’t want to go outside again. I don’t want to be among cis people, if I don’t have to. I hate myself so much…
I have to go outside tomorrow, actually. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ll tell her to give me escitalopram instead of bupropion, even at the cost of my libido. I can’t do this. I can’t go outside without hating myself. My anxiety is through the roof, so is my dysphoria. Nobody should have to live like this. I hate it
Sorry for ranting again. I just feel actually useless. I feel like an object, not even like a person. I’m just…screwed
oh i think your sentiment comes out very clearly when you write … this is not something that “a cis person would never understand”. i think there are quite a lot of people who feel like they’re not good enough in one way or another … in fact i often hear this from various people all around me, including cis girls. i’m not entirely sure what causes it in them.
anyways. to get to your point, many of them are valid and important, but i still recommend you to enjoy your life where you can. because while you are crying, time passes on, whether you use it or not, so you might as well use it. and also we don’t really know what advances the medicine will make in the next 20 years, so maybe some kind of unexpected development will come around. there’s no point in waiting on it, but there’s no point in despairing either.
and as an unrelated side-note:
yeah, my guess is that the body uses energy to do some configuration and construction work … this takes away (mental) energy from your brain, which makes you depressed. i think that it would probably be better to kind of make sure that the E levels are more or less constant, and avoid peaks.