CW: substance abuse, dysphoria, internalized transphobia
Today has been nothing but nonstop crying for me. I woke up in a bad mood already (a bit sad). I notice this happens a lot the day after my injection. I’m on valerate, so I guess it’s the peak of my E levels…
But anyway, I decided to get some more kratom, because I hate myself and it’s something that actually makes the pain, dysphoria and overall misery go away. There’s a store downtown that sells it, so I took a tram.
On the way there and on the way back…god, I don’t know how I’d ever explain this to a cis person…
Seeing happy cishet couples flirting, having fun together, seeing beautiful and I mean stunning cis girls EVERYWHERE while I’m just huddled in a corner, doing my best not to cry. The pain is existential, that feeling of envy for something that I will never be…something I can never be.
Explaining this to cis people is purely impossible.
I wish so desperately I fit in. From the very beginning. All the way from kindergarten, worrying about normal girl stuff during the stages of my life. Flirting with boys along the way. Being desired by straight men. Fitting into the format from day one. It hurts so fucking much that I’ll never experience that. Instead, I’m just a guy sometimes wearing a dress and taking estrogen…and that’s all I’ll ever fucking be
“But you’re only 7 months HRT!”
Yeah…I know. But this isn’t gonna get better. I won’t magically become a cis girl at X months HRT. I won’t ever be able to get pregnant. My bone structure will never change. I don’t honestly think I’ll ever pass, even though I naively thought I “started early” in the beginning.
I don’t want to go outside again. I don’t want to be among cis people, if I don’t have to. I hate myself so much…
I have to go outside tomorrow, actually. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ll tell her to give me escitalopram instead of bupropion, even at the cost of my libido. I can’t do this. I can’t go outside without hating myself. My anxiety is through the roof, so is my dysphoria. Nobody should have to live like this. I hate it
Sorry for ranting again. I just feel actually useless. I feel like an object, not even like a person. I’m just…screwed
I’m trans. I held my daughter in my arms seconds after she put a bullet through her brain. Her heartbeat fluttered like a butterfly, unable to find a rhythm. She did not breathe. Her eyes were unfocused. Her mouth filled with blood.
She never shared with me that she was suicidal. I found out when I burst through the door. I remember how her note flutterd in the breeze of the fan, pinned by gore to the bed. My first thought was “oh no, I can’t fix this”.
Her chest was so soft as I gave compressions. I knew they were useless. She was very smart. She would not have attempted without researching the exact placement of her lead liberator. And anyway, the face that hung listlessly back at me spoke volumes of impossibly into my soul.
She would have had decades of joy. So many things he just couldn’t see at that moment.
I know the sorrow. I have sat with a gun in my mouth too. I would slowly slog through that pain every day, for just the occasional day that contained her smile and her insight and her humor.
I could never have seen that smile if I had spilled my mind so many years before. I could not have smiled myself.
I will continue to walk through hell. Because I have learned that the future contains smiles I cannot see right now, that will come in ways I cannot comprehend.
She will never see them.