Thanks for this update. I’m so happy to hear about your wife’s reaction. My partner has been an incredible rock for me and is making the process joyful even when the outside world is harsh. You got this Nissa! I hope you stick around and keep posting.
I don’t feel sad about it, but it’s crazy that any true relationship with her is just… done in my head.
I remember that happening to me with me dad. It wasn’t related to my identity but there was a moment where I just realised “I can’t actually rely on you or count on you in any way”. He went from being a parent to being a person.
I also didn’t feel sad at the time, i kindof hardened up and moved on with my life, but I want to say to you that you deserved better, and you should have gotten better from her, and it’s okay to take some time to mourn the fact that you weren’t supported when you most needed it.
I know you will find people in your future who will become your family and be there for you. You will choose them and they will choose you. Wishing you the best.
That’s happened to me a few times reading people on here. It helps so much with imposter syndrome to see yourself in the stories of other people.
I was so paralysed by imposter syndrome before. This place and the people in it are so important to me.
Thank you for writing this out. I’m so proud of you.
The thing that stopped me for way too long, that kept me in the closet / in denial, was the thought that other trans people were completely certain about their identity. That they just knew.
Well it turns out most of us were very uncertain, that we had all the same doubts as you have right now. That the first steps to transition were accompanied by massive screaming self doubt and fear. Eventually though, as you accumulated more and more experience, the question “what if I’m not really trans” starts to lose its power as it becomes more and more ridiculous in the face of evidence.
Nobody can tell you who you are, that is for you to decide, but your experience sounds very similar to many trans women.
I think you have a really good idea of who you are. I think you may be more scared of how your life will be uprooted and disrupted if you go through with it. I’m not diminishing that fear. It has been terrifying for me and my circumstances sound safer than yours. The question is, is it scarier than stuffing yourself back into a box you don’t fit in and pretending for the rest of your life that nothing is wrong?
I hope you can find some people close to you to confide in that will treat you with love and acceptance. It’s so much easier when you’re not going through it alone.
Wishing you luck Nissa.
I’m sorry I just can’t help but laugh at you holding on for so long for this and then that being the package you open.
Omg I bought weed off someone once and it was packaged like this. Who TF is asking for this? Anyway glad you got your potions sister.
Congratulations! I’m so happy it arrived OK!
Gorgeous! Thank you for sharing, I love seeing these incredible transition pictures.
Obviously you need to chase your own joy and my list might not be relevant for you, it’s just what I do. I was so deep in the closet I never tried any of this shit before though so maybe if you’ve been doing these things already they won’t hit as hard.
My pre-hrt euphoria farming guide would be:
Shave: the first time i saw myself without body hair I broke down crying because for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t vicerally hate myself and my body. The feeling of self hatred that was always always present in my life, that I thought was about weight, about lack of muscle tone etc, gone. I just couldn’t stand my body hair because it was so masculine. Hair removal cream gave me good results for my chest and back when I was finding that shaving the thicker hairs was painful or irritating, but for the love of all that is holy, don’t leave it on longer than the packet says! It’s annoying as fuck to have do hair removal regularly but you’re going to have to get used to some more routine maintenance in your future so might as well start now.
Skirts. They go spinney. Long maxi skirts work on literally any figure. If you have a place that is safe for you to experiment, buy some fuckin skirts and spin around in them. Didn’t think I needed them, thought I’d be fine in jeans, tried one once, now jeans are the tyrannical enemy of joy. Skirt squad 4 lyfe. See also, tights/fishnets/stockings/leggings etc.
Makeup. Put on makeup, you’ll look cute as fuck. I’m still shit at putting it on but eye shadow and lipstick and mascara are fucking glorious. Foundation is still a cosmic mystery to me. I might be too old for it. Who cares.
Nails. Get some colours you like, and get some clear base and top coat plus nail polish remover and cotton makeup remover pads (the good, thick kind that doesn’t disintegrate on contact). I literally stare at my hands for significant time these days, it’s like huffing gender euphoria (maybe that’s the fumes from the nail polish remover, who can say?).
Accessorise: jewellery, bracelets, chains, hats, whatever. But a load of cheap things and see what you like, you can always get the good quality shit later, this is about having fun and experimenting with low stakes.
Let yourself try things as much as you can, you probably don’t know yet what you really want because you’ve not let yourself have it. Im here to say, take it, it’s all yours. Discard what you don’t want, and follow the feeling of happiness. Make yourself safe first (alone, in private, or with trusted people), then embrace the cringe for a bit. You can worry about being cool again later. Be a teenager for a while.
I was exactly where you are now not very long ago at all. I’m 38. It’s terrifying and beautiful. I will never go back.
It’s good that you’re reaching out to community. You’re welcome here. You’re not alone and everything you’re going through is something many of us will have gone through too.
Jessica out here cracking eggs like it’s her job.
So pretty!!!