I’m going to call it a Charlie Chaplin mustache. Because I only know two people with that mustache, and your cat doesn’t seem like the type to invade Poland…

Without clicking the link, I think I can read your hieroglyphics.

Sail the seas.

Smell the salty sea water.

Get a nose bleed.

This ship is actually a slave ship, and you’ve been sold into slavery.

That one can’t be real. There’s more sugar than could physically fit in the coke can. Like no liquid, just sugar, there’s more than 12oz of sugar.

I’m fat and sweet. Eat me!

I want a tv show about this. It’s a woman in her 40s, and her husband died. She’s never worked a day in her life, so she’s applying to find a job. And every episode she finds a new job, and also gets fired from that job because she’s not good at it.

And then, on the final episode, instead of a happy ending where she finds peace, she’s been mentally insane this entire time. The majority of the series takes place in an insane asylum where she’s imagining what her life would be like in various jobs.

It’s ok. You can say it. You’re 60+ years old, and you have some VHS home recordings you made in the 80s with a bunch of women you lured back to your basement dungeon, and then fed them m&ms until they agreed to have sex with you.

And now you have like 400 VHS tapes that are a hassle to watch.

But also, you don’t want the guy at CVS to know you have a tattoo of big bird on your left butt cheek.

Well there’s some rules that contradict the other rules

Kinda strange it’s in the shapebof a cross…and on Easter no less!

I think the surprising part is that this guy got a jar that was seperated and layered. Mine just comes as one consistant spread.

And even stick their tongue inside, making out style with the jar, making sure no more chocolate taste left

Ladies, are you having trouble getting your man to go down on you? Boyfriends hate this one simple trick!

I mean, if you’re going to criticize the source material, at least get it right! The toys are made in the north pole by elves. They just printed “made in China” on all the toys for no reason! The bigger issue is the fact that Santa is single handedly keeping the coal industry alive by sourcing it exclusively to give to bad kids. “Here is a small sample of an inferior fuel supply. If you pressurize it hard enough it may become diamond.”

At least, that’s what I said when I got coal. I was going to pressurize it, and it was going to become diamond, and then I’d buy all the toys! Fuck you Santa! You just gave me a fetch quest!

So I kept sitting on this coal, and nothing kept happening, on account of how science doesn’t work. So in the end, I never got a pair of moon boots. Which is for the best, as they were later recalled for breaking the ankles of children who wore them.

Ah the 80s. What a dangerous time to be alive. Just like how the 70s were a dangerous time. And the 60s were a dangerous time. And the 90s were a dangerous time. And the 2000s were a dangerous time. And the 2010s were a dangerous time. And right now is a dangerous time.

Guys…we might just be a bunch of violent apes, cosplaying as an intelligent species. Every decade is a dangerous decade, except it really feels like the world isn’t getting less dangerous, but it IS getting dumber. Hopefully the planet itself will soon decide to just expel us all from existence with another ice age, or randomly everything is 800 degrees. The important thing, is that we kill all the humans.

To be fair…letters can be toilet paper. Especially bills.

I’m American. My grandpa was American. After my grandma died, he remarried a British woman.

One time when I was 7, she asked if I wanted pudding with dinner. As a kid I said YES!!! I didn’t even ask what flavor. Chocolate. Vanilla. Tapioca. Banana. Fuck it. I don’t care. You offered pudding, and a fat kids answer is always yes. No further questions needed.

Well, we have this meal with meat and gravy, and potatos, and a biscuit. It was all very good.

But then dinner was over.

And I’m waiting.

Everyone is leaving the table. They’re acting like the meal is over.

Haaaaaaaaang on.

“Um…excuse me…is the pudding ready?”

“Oh. You want another pudding? I think we have some more.”

“…more?”

And then she hands me a teacup plate with another biscuit.

“I mean…ok. I’ll eat this too, but where is the pudding?”

“Dear, this IS your pudding!”

long silence as I realize there is no pudding

“This is why everyone besides papa doesn’t like you.”

42 now. I stand by what I said. You don’t tease a fat kid with sweets, and then give glorified bread.

In general I liked her. I was the only one who did.

In that moment though??? She was dead to me.

The

Bart

The

“Well hello there. I am dog. Allow me to show you around.”

YOUR GENITALIA!!!

That’s TERRIBLE advice! Gay people can be gay and thats petfectly healthy!

But being happy? In THIS world??? Theres something not right about that…

What if lemmy is the only website I use?

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Aaaaaaaand repeat.