So ive been out as trans for about 3-4 months. Everything has been great so far in terms of coming out and trying out new things. Ive spent quite a bit to switch out my wardrobe and there will be more.
For some context. Ive been basically dissociating my whole life. Theres never really been a “me”, ive just been following societal expectations and returned to the computer whenever my presence wasnt obligated or expected elsewhere. This has made it very hard to navigate life after coming out as trans. What do I even have to compare to? Do i feel better now than before? I know ive always been intrigued by feminine clothing and makeup and never felt “at home” /“at ease” with boys being boyish. I usually ended up in “the weird kids corner” and initially had no thoughts about being trans for many years. At first I thought I just had autism, and i still do, for several reasons. But when i realized thats probably not the entire puzzle things started to make more sense.
Anyways. I just went on vacation with some friends and we roadtripped down to another friend in Germany. While there her girlfriend kindly gifted me 2 3-packs of Gynokadin, 0.6mg/g estradiol gel. Now I just keep staring at them unsure of what to do. Ive been considering for the last 2 months whether it is time to get on to HRT but something in my brain is very afraid.
The one who gave them to me is now doing DIY injections and just didnt have any use for them. She basically told me “you can just try it”. And I dont know, im afraid i’ll feel nothing at all or even worse, bad, on it, and im just afraid everything will come shambling down? The dream is ofcourse to have my mental state improve and actually become a person but I have no idea where to go right now.
My original plan was to maybe start HRT via a private clinic (public healthcare has about 3,5-4 years wait time here) and just pray that improvements to mental health could prove my point but that feels like an extremely unwise diagnosis-by-medication strategy my brain tells me is stupid.
What would you do? Tips? Struggles? Experiences? Anything is welcome ❤️
On day 6 of HRT, I decided to change the gender marker on my driver’s license. Gender markers are by self affirmation here, but I learned the card was about to expire. I renewed it and had my picture taken in the process. That was the first time my eyes didn’t look dead in a picture. My change in mood was literally visible in under a week.
You might have enough E to diagnose through medication, if that’s what you choose to do. I’m not familiar with patches. I was doubtful and uncertain about HRT until I started taking it. It became very clear very quickly that it was right. HRT requires both the addition of estrogen, and the supression of testosterone. The patches are only half of that, so taking it as a diagnosis may be underwhelming because its only half of the full thing.
Your discription of yourself sounds just like me before HRT. Don’t delay, get started on getting a continuous HRT supply as soon as you reasonably can. DIY or private clinic are both fine options. A 4 year wait is an absolute nonstarter. Change is scary, but go for it.
I delayed HRT at least two years out of fear. Don’t do that. Biggest regret.