So ive been out as trans for about 3-4 months. Everything has been great so far in terms of coming out and trying out new things. Ive spent quite a bit to switch out my wardrobe and there will be more.
For some context. Ive been basically dissociating my whole life. Theres never really been a “me”, ive just been following societal expectations and returned to the computer whenever my presence wasnt obligated or expected elsewhere. This has made it very hard to navigate life after coming out as trans. What do I even have to compare to? Do i feel better now than before? I know ive always been intrigued by feminine clothing and makeup and never felt “at home” /“at ease” with boys being boyish. I usually ended up in “the weird kids corner” and initially had no thoughts about being trans for many years. At first I thought I just had autism, and i still do, for several reasons. But when i realized thats probably not the entire puzzle things started to make more sense.
Anyways. I just went on vacation with some friends and we roadtripped down to another friend in Germany. While there her girlfriend kindly gifted me 2 3-packs of Gynokadin, 0.6mg/g estradiol gel. Now I just keep staring at them unsure of what to do. Ive been considering for the last 2 months whether it is time to get on to HRT but something in my brain is very afraid.
The one who gave them to me is now doing DIY injections and just didnt have any use for them. She basically told me “you can just try it”. And I dont know, im afraid i’ll feel nothing at all or even worse, bad, on it, and im just afraid everything will come shambling down? The dream is ofcourse to have my mental state improve and actually become a person but I have no idea where to go right now.
My original plan was to maybe start HRT via a private clinic (public healthcare has about 3,5-4 years wait time here) and just pray that improvements to mental health could prove my point but that feels like an extremely unwise diagnosis-by-medication strategy my brain tells me is stupid.
What would you do? Tips? Struggles? Experiences? Anything is welcome ❤️
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I mean if you try for 2-3 weeks there shouldn’t be much physical change and you could like wait and see if you like it when you’re on E?
I can’t really tell since I was almost sure and I told myself what the hell worse case scenario I’ll stop on move on. As for the dose… I dunno, I started with injections and reached a stable dose fast so maybe the effect were faster for me and the 2-3 weeks may vary
yeah you can just try it. Taking the recommended dose for 1-3 months results in minimal breast growth changes and significantly changes your mood. That’s about how long it takes to realize whether you like it
idk about mental changes from hrt. i never noticed any for myself.
what does makes me feel good when i do hrt, is that i know my body is becoming more the way i want it to be and not working against me anymore. time suddenly became an aly. it made me feel more grounded, because if any transphobe now wants to tell me i got a “male body” or some shit, they can extra shut it, cause i literally got more e and less t in my blood than the average cis woman (ofc even without it they can shut it, but it felt reassuring).
so ig what i am trying to say is that maybe not feeling any medical mental changes is not as bad, cause there are indirect things which might change your mood instead?
anyway, good luck <3
Very sweet of you, i hadnt thought about it that way but I will keep it in mind! ❤️
As soon as I shaved and got some more forming clothes i did start to like myself more. I think the only physical aspect im currently struggling with is my beard growth, but im looking in to laser for that.
Ofcourse im hyped for all the physical changes that come with E but right now my short-term enemy (apart from the brain goblin) is my beard and voice ❤️
Diagnosis by medication is fine actually. Taking hrt was the only way I could know if I wanted it. And guess what? It’s great for me.
You can get recommended dosages from transfemscience.org which is a trusted, community vetted resource for DIY users.
If you can afford to go to a private provider, do it, don’t wait until you feel you can prove your transness to them. Otherwise go diy. Don’t wait for a transphobic public system to humiliate you and fuck you around for years. If you don’t like the effects after a few months just stop.
I take 3.5mg estradiol via gel every day, plus 12.5mg cypro every 2 days. The effects after 5 weeks have been profound. The major one is that I don’t want to die any more but of course ymmv.
My only concern is that you might wanna think about continuity of care going forward. I would find it extremely distressing to have any gap in my meds now, so if you start you might wanna make sure you know how you will get more later.
Good luck babygirl, we’re rooting for you.
Dont have time to reply to everything right now but will get around to it tonight. Just wanted to respond to the continuity and resources at hand. I think that will be fine. I have savings to cover private care and thats way faster to start here from what ive heard. Im thinking I might just start with what I have to see how I feel and then get into private care.
I only have the gel now, no antiandrogens, and I could whip out 160€ ish to get bloodwork. It seems like the friend I got this from will be reliable for the time to come. We might meet again this winter and either way they could just send me more since they still get it from their doctor on recipe while doing DIY. But i have no power over what happened there. Although there are other sources for DIY available from what ive heard.
Blockers can really speed things along in the beginning, at least at I understand it, so maybe just bear in mind that you might see much more subtle changes initially if youre just on E. But it’s still something.
I dont know if speed of physical changes is very important right now for me. Its more a test for my mental state and to see whether it is something I want to commit to?
Ive read up a bit on HRT in multiple forms of intake but im really just afraid to not feel better I guess?
Sorry but went a bit off-topic/vent here.
I mean, not to get too depressive, but the thought of death never really scared me. It was just “part of the process” like everything else. Thats about the depths of how little “me” was present in life. I had no autonomy or self because there just wasnt any me to care for? Ive never cared for eating healthy, improving my looks (clothing or hitting the gym), not because ive ever been self-destructive but because it didnt give me anything of “value” for me. What was expected for me there was of no interest to me. I studied whatever let me put least effort while still being enjoyable, as long as it wasnt questioned of was within the expectations on me. I always “toughed it out” if things got hard because thats what was expected of me. I never cared for myself because there never was a self. I found glimpses here and there but shrugged it off as, once again, being a weirdo or just not “vanilla”. I ended up following that though and the trans journey has brought a lot of “life”/“self” back. And im afraid id lose what ive been able to feel if i cant self-accept. Which leads me to HRT, but self-accepting feels like it should come first, which makes this feel wrong in some way.
I dont really know what i feel, i havent really felt before, maybe an odd thing to say, but ive always valued others emotions way higher than my own. My emotions feel so… fake (?). I read the blog post about indirect gender dysphoria and I tick almost everything off. But since i feel like such a plastic version of a human being its hard to judge whether or not anything is right. On that path it feels like this is the right move.
I dont know where im going with this. Maybe its time to go to sleep. Sorry for the 3am rambles. I hope its atleast somewhat coherent as to explain where my brain is.
Hey these are really good thoughts! Honestly, super relatable. I felt a LOT of the same things. From this one girl on the internet to you, I think you might do well to try hrt.
Self acceptance is a long and ongoing journey. If you lock the rest of your care behind that, you might never get started.
Starting hrt is how I went from self doubt to self acceptance. Whatever you decide please keep talking about it in here.
Ayy, congrats!
Practical matters first: for gel you apply it in the area between crotch and knee, on the inner front side of the leg, if my mind fails me not. Follow the instructions on the gel.
You’ll have to let it dry for 10 min and not come in contact with other things, before putting clothes on (and then you can go about with your day). Don’t shower/bathe in the hour after, after that it should be fully absorbed.
Do you use anti-androgens? I’m not sure if gel should ( @WillStealYourUsername@piefed.blahaj.zone , please tell me), but if so, you should get anti-androgen injections once every 12 weeks.
The anti-androgen injections will affect your libido (usually crashing it, you’ll notice a few days after). The estrogen’s effects vary on the body and with time, but generally, the first you’ll notice is mentally. Some people report a brain fog being lifted, others feel like they’re happier, others as if they see more ‘life’ with their eyes. Not everyone has those, but they occur in the first month.
Your fertility will also be affected (the longer, the more it’s affected), so if you want biological children and don’t want to risk having to discontinue HRT for three months, I’d freeze your reproductive cells first before starting. HRT by itself does not halt fertility altogether.
Don’t feel like you’re missing out on what to do in your transition! Your body, your choice.
Up to about 3 months, most stuff is reversible, giving you ample time to reflect on how you feel. Once breast buds appear, that is irreversible. In case you doubt whether to start, my advice is that only you can decide. It’s a big jump, but whether or not you decide what to do, you got support.
The voice won’t rise by itself, so if that is a source for dysphoria for you, I’d recommend voice training. Voice Tools is a handy app for that, alongside Acoustic Gender Box(?).
Breast and hip growth takes the longest, about 2 years minimum but it can easily take 5, less often even 10 years to fully round out (progesteron may help with rounding, as well fem libido).
On day 6 of HRT, I decided to change the gender marker on my driver’s license. Gender markers are by self affirmation here, but I learned the card was about to expire. I renewed it and had my picture taken in the process. That was the first time my eyes didn’t look dead in a picture. My change in mood was literally visible in under a week.
You might have enough E to diagnose through medication, if that’s what you choose to do. I’m not familiar with patches. I was doubtful and uncertain about HRT until I started taking it. It became very clear very quickly that it was right. HRT requires both the addition of estrogen, and the supression of testosterone. The patches are only half of that, so taking it as a diagnosis may be underwhelming because its only half of the full thing.
Your discription of yourself sounds just like me before HRT. Don’t delay, get started on getting a continuous HRT supply as soon as you reasonably can. DIY or private clinic are both fine options. A 4 year wait is an absolute nonstarter. Change is scary, but go for it.
I delayed HRT at least two years out of fear. Don’t do that. Biggest regret.
I am currently on Gynokadin as well with testo blockers though.
If I would be in the situation of having 6 cans of gynokadin and no other acces to hormones I would probably do the following
In my experience Gel is not so easy to get right there is stuff you have to watch out for, putting it on the right spots, switching spots, not getting clothes on too soon, getting a feel for the area needed.
I feel like the postive effects from E did take a lot longer to set in than the positive effects of not having testosterone in my system (which is a lot more easy with blockers) .
If taking mono therapy I would probably start on 4-6 pumps per day doing 2-0-2, 3-0-2, 2-0-3 or 3-0-3 but this will likely not be sufficent for T suppresion (I would look into scrotal application for that). If I could acces it I would get bloodwork done. The bottles should last about 4-6 month but I am not so sure about that.
The route over a private clinic would probably be better. I think starting with a professional is generally better and if it wont wake too long, I would just try to hold on. Also if I was going to a professional and am already on some hormones I would communicate that or stop 3-4 weeks before your appointments so my levels are “normal” I guess. they could underdose me otherwise. I would also look for info on transfemscience.org for tapering down and doing DIY in general
I am not a healthcare professional and my writing is based on my own experience with the product, I am just saying what I would do in that hypothetical situation and this should not be taken as medical advice
transfemscience.org is generally a good ressource
Hello, late reply but im just curious as to what you meant by 2-0-2 etc? Im assuming you refer to dosage per location.
Ive looked into scrotal application and actually did start with that. Will report back on the effects in a couple of weeks. It is kind of a mess though since its alot of gel for a not very big area.
So far no immediate downsides or side effects atleast. If i feel better or just not bad after a while I will probably contact private care and get proper care from there. Time will tell.
Hello! I keep a comprehensive list of resources on DIY here: https://lem.lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/19393848
This includes guides on HRT that describe dosages for gel with and without a blocker. Since you only have gel there are some things to know. Gel may or may not be sufficient to block testosterone and you will need a higher dosage than normal. You might have to apply the gel to your scrotum to get more out of the gel, but this can give you a big spike in E which can be uncomfortable for some. Your gel might be an ideal strength for this usage actually.
I urge you to read this guide at the very least: https://diyhrt.info/ and then read these articles:
- Scrotal application: https://transfemscience.org/articles/genital-e2-application/
- Nice table for dosage, you will want high to very high to suppress T with no blocker : https://transfemscience.org/articles/e2-equivalent-doses/
Some tips for gel:
- Dont get gel on other people or animals. Especially not on children or animals.
- Wash the area you apply to beforehand.
Edit: As someone mentioned you have a rather limited supply, so while this is a neat little test it will only achieve so much. In any case, this is a great opportunity to read up on and experience HRT. After reading about what specifically HRT does I was fairly certain it was for me, but to finally remove all doubt I realized I needed to try it, so thats what I did. I can say in my case I did not regret it. However you end up feeling about HRT I wish you the best of luck :3
We will be here if you need any assistance or support <3
