Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,
“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"
i like to tell this at dinner parties, introduced as ‘the holocaust joke’
jewish guy, gets thrown into a concentration camp. spends years in there… somehow makes it through the entire war alive, saved by the americans at the very end. after the war he migrates to the united states, finds a bride and has a large family. he lives to a very ripe age of 99, and suddenly at his death, finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven.
the jewish man walks through the gates, down a long hall where he can just make out a looming figure at the end. he approaches god himself.
the jewish man says, “god, i’d like to tell you a holocaust joke”
god looks down at the man and in a booming voice says “sir, that is not funny.”
the jewish man says “oh, i guess you had to be there”
wow !!
Oh damn!
Deleted by author
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, “I’ll have a gin and…tonic.” The bartender looks confused and asks, “what’s with the big pause.” The bear looks at the bartender and says, “well I’m a bear.”
[long and NSFW]
Drew Barrymore’s grandfather was an actor named John Barrymore. He was a sex crazed degenerate who possessed an ungodly penis. It was both huge and insatiable.
One Friday he was in Tajuana and was attacked by a madam at a brothel. The woman was enraged because he’d worn out all her girls before the weekend rush.
The police chief arrived, calmed the woman down, and escorted John to another house, where the star performer, Matilde, was known for pleasuring five men at a time.
The next morning the owner of the second house reported that Matilde had left her job, citing ‘combat fatigue.’
The chief decided he had a golden opportunity. He took John to his office and laid out his proposal. He would rent a theater and provide a dozen women. Then the two of them would split the tickets. John loved the idea! It was a chance to combine his two great loves; performing and performing!
Ticket sales were brisk, and soon they decided to move the venue from a small theater to a bullfighting ring. Express trains were chartered in New York and Chicago, air ships were scheduled in London, Paris and Tokyo.
Twelve of the most depraved and enthusiastic prostitutes in the world were hired. Olga, the body builder who could crush a baseball bat without using her hands. Hareemi, the snake woman, who could lick the back of her own neck. The Goldfarb twins from Long Island. Jungle women, swamp women, some trained by science, and some unknown to science…
The big night finally arrived. One man traded a brand new Rolls Royce for a standing room ticket. The town had never seen anything like it!
Good taste forbids a graphic recounting of what happened that night. Suffice it to say that the first five women were left exhausted, and John was hardly breathing hard.
The next five were also given pleasure so intense that men in the closest seats suffered permanent hearing loss.
But it looked like John was slowing down.
Woman 11 came out and it was obvious that John was losing a step. Sweat poured from him, he was gasping, his eyes bugged out of his head!
The final woman was Raunchy Rita, the Texas Tornado. She could kill a pony by crushing it with her thighs and had often pleasured herself with a red hot branding iron.
No two accounts of that epic confrontation exactly coincide. The only fact everyone agrees on is that both titans has to be taken to the hospital when it was over.
Six days later, John came out of his coma. The police chief was there.
“Amigo, what happened? I thought you could do it easily.”
“I don’t know what went wrong. Everything was fine when we rehearsed it in the afternoon!”
is this funny if you know who John Barrymore is?
Yea, I don’t understand at all what this gains by being about a real person that was (semi-?)famous over 100 years ago.
If I’d just written ‘theater actor’ it’s just a joke. Adding a name adds verisimilitude. I’ve told the same joke with Donald Trump hiring Ron Jeremy with Anderson Cooper doing the paly by play.
Holy fuck, that’s some great creative writing. A+!
“I always wanted to have a briefcase attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright.” - Mitch Hedberg
I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.
“Knock knock”
Who’s there?
“ … ”
“-IGHT NOW!”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“TIME TRAVEL!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“R-”
This also works for asynchronous functions in programming
“What do we want?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
“And when do we want it?”
“HEARING AIDS!”
Watch out, that joke may fall on deaf ears
A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”
I approve of this joke!
Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.
Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?
Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.
A gunshot is heard.
Hunter: Ok, now what?
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.Reminds me of the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison, i.e. a small medium at large
Someone who saw him climbing down the outside wall thought “well, that’s a little con descending”
Reminds me of the mafia hit-man who kills people in rice fields with small figurines… They’re all knick-knack paddy whacks!
Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?
So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in
Two guys are at the bar when one announces that he has to leave. “Where do you have to be?” “I have to go home to take care of the bees.” “The bees? You keep bees?” “Yes, I keep bees.” “You live in a studio apartment! Where do you keep the bees?” “In a shoebox under the bed.” “You keep bees in a shoebox under the bed?” “Yeah. They’re bees. Fuck 'em.”
“About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. ‘Get on the plane, get on the plane!’ I say ‘Fuck you! I’m getting IN the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane…’”
Without even watching the video, I can say with confidence that ol’ Georgie was definitely incredible. He helped shape my sense of humor and helped correct my worldview of the bigotry my dad tried his best to instill in me.
A horse goes up to the bar, and they look sad, so the barman goes “why the long face?”
“My wife just died, and I’m not handling it well, another drink”
