To be succinct and private… My incubator worked me for weeks to build rapport and trust with me in my younger days, to get me to tell her a something that she would ultimately, and immediately use and weaponize against me and others.
This wasnt the first time I tried to have a relationship with her, but it did finally open my eyes and become the last. In the many many decades since, I’ve not so much as acknowledge her existence when crossing paths.
Me - “if you can’t uld go back and change your divorce from Mom, would you change anything?”
Dad - “no”
The man left and I mean LEFT. When I told him about how much that had damaged me, I asked him this. This is merely a crumb of how little a shit he gave about me. Die alone, fuck face.
Facts.
Having no regrets, being non-reflective, and non-empathetic toward offspring is not stoic, it’s self-centered and destructive.
It’s often narcissistic too
I had a similar situation. My dad signed away all rights (and obligations) when I was 2 and left the country shortly thereafter.
I found him when I was in my late 30s.
At least he had the good grace to be apologetic and remorseful about his youthful decision-making.
I’m sorry yours seems to be such a waste of space.
Well, mine both died, so there’s that.
But prior to that they voted for Brexit.
Refused to acknowledge cystic fibrosis is actually a real difficult struggle that I needed help and support with
Shit man, I feel that. How are you these days?
I’m post lung transplant and doing a lot better but I still haven’t gotten over having to shoulder so much when I shouldn’t have had to
I’m 19 years post Tx.
In the middle of a divorce, finally decided to see a therapist.
Having the feeling of inevitable doom my whole life probably didn’t do me any favors, especially how I approached things I felt were dumb, unimportant and a waste of what i felt was my limited time.
That said it’s extremely difficult to get me upset by most things that I still see as trivial now. So I ended up with the reputation of being extremely chill and laid back. I just always felt I had limited time and energy and I wasn’t going to waste it of crap that didn’t matter.
I think I ended up with a lot of general empathy, especially for people whose issues go mostly unnoticed or ignored by most people.
It also made me fiercely independent. Spent the last few years helping my wife recover from a major surgery and diagnosis only to be hit with divorce papers.
I’m looking forward to just worrying about myself for a while.
Anyways. Always nice to run into a fellow post-transplant CF’r in the wild.
This feels quite minor compared to most of the stuff here, but something that has stuck with me.
I was on holiday with my parents when I was younger - maybe around 12 or 13. We were on a short boat trip, and I noticed my dad was wearing a baseball cap. In my mind I had this cute scene of me taking the hat off his head and putting it on myself, and all of us laughing. Kinda wholesome. But the second I reach for the hat he whacks me hard around the back of my head. I was more confused than anything - why did he instantly resort to violence? I hated the injustice of it; the image in my mind of doing something fun, something you’d see other families doing, but then the actual result being the complete opposite. I never understood it, but then I’ve never had much in common with my dad.
I think your dad hitting you for no reason is a very valid, very not-minor issue friend.
We’re not in the olympics, We’re not racing for the gold medal in misery. We don’t need to compare and rank what we’ve been through against others to find a winner.
What you went through shattered the image you had of father and family, and is very real and valid.
Thank you for saying so ❤️
Man I feel like I had those moments all the time in my family. I’m just going to do this fun harmless thing and they’re going to enjoy it only to get hurt, yelled at or, grounded then be really really confused and try to get clarification on what the hell just happened and the response I get is “you know what you did!” Which made me more mad cause clearly I don’t and I’m an angry crier then I’d get the “I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Yeah I don’t have and will have have kids of my own…
But anyways, I relate and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I heard him shout to someone else that he didn’t care about me or my siblings. Today, the feeling is mutual.
During covid my dad would not wear a mask willingly.
It shattered my perception of him, that probably will not ever go back to what it was.
Covid and MAGA/Trumpism broke a lot of families, sadly.
So many good people who became permanently twisted into the nastiest of creatures.
Choosing to invite my Jan 6er uncle to family events knowing I would never break break with an insurrectionist traitor.
First, I stopped attending family events. Eventually went no contact. Now my happiest recent memory of my mom is when my daughter couldn’t remember her name.
Metaphorically speaking, but putting the boot down on the neck that is the form of my individuality. They both did a terrible job in preparing me for life. Their idea of readying you for life is going on tireless banters about themselves and maybe a couple lessons dropped in between. There’s just no recovery when parents just do not prepare for you for life, leaving you into a life full of struggle and improvision.
My mother got mad when she found my friend teaching me to do my own laundry, said we’d break the washing machine. Later, I shrunk my favorite tshirts doing laundry when I got an apt.
Facts, my parents never accepted who I am and wanted me to be another racist robot like them, they were flabbergasted when I didn’t return home after losing my first big job. I had met the woman who became my wife, she and life taught me way more than they ever did, the only thing my parents did right and ultimately hated me for was buying me a set of science encyclopedias which allowed me to find my passion for science.
Calling me heretic and deviant in my early teens, Getting enormously angry when I try to challenge their viewpoints (once they said that even if we are wrong, you have to say that we are right, upon which I remained silent and they get angry), Being against other religions and ideologies, mocking them and calling LGBTQ+ a mental illness (luckily, I did not come out to them), Being angry and thinking I am arrogant if I choose not to talk to them and to be in my own space, Forcing me to eat and drink a lot more than I want, Comparing and belittling me yet still saying “We love you”, Not letting me go outside and now they complain why I don’t go outside, Always saying, “We did not even beat you or did anything physical. We give you so much comfort but you disappointed us, you pimp, dog, bastard”, Saying I am not masculine just cuz I am extremely careful not to neglect my sunscreen, I get sick here and now and so I trust medicine over the pseudoscientific remedies, and many other things which made me lost trust in them and entire humanity and even myself sometimes. I will not forgive them.
Nor should you. But don’t lose trust in yourself. You’ll fuck up, sometimes. You won’t know the right thing to do. You’ll say the wrong thing and make yourself or someone else feel bad. But that’s life.
You’re also the person who you’ll be with for the rest of your life (you can’t change that). Work on learning to love yourself. It makes a huge difference when you get there. I wish you the best.
I adopted a baby from a different race and my father only talks about the white one, refused to meet the other kid.
father in law posted KKK shit on his Facebook page.
we’ll just prune those two branches now…
Well, that’s unfortunate. But at least you know the correct response.
I’m sorry and good riddance to them.
Mmmmmh let’s seeI have some stories:
- Stealing the inheritance money dad had left for me and my sibling through her attorney and everytime I would ask about how the paperwork was going she always said “Fine, just fine. You just have to wait a little bit longer”. I had to find out through the public notary’s office when they called me to pay for some fees she was supposed to pay for.
- Telling me that becoming an artist was a terrible idea, that I would starve. I went a different route b4cause of that and while I excelled in that fiedl it was not thanks to her. She missed my graduación ceremony because she was pouting about her shoes.
- Unknowingly to me taking my kid places I absolutely asked her not to when kid was a baby and I was at work. Found out throughanother relative. I had to quit that job because I was so afraid for my baby.
- Smoking indoors for forever while I was growing up. Never stopped even when I was pregnant and baby was born. She keeps doing it to this day.
- Neglected me my whole childhood telling me to suck it up and not to be a whiner while enduring physical and psychological abuse.
- Left me to cry it out at 2 months old. She relates this bit by laughing at how hoarse my cries were after wailing for so long “And you were sooooo stubborn you never shut up”
- Shaming me about my wardrobe choices, my weight, my hair, my makeup, etc. You name it, she had to have a say about it and not in a nice way.
- Stealing my allowance money I got from grandma to buy cigarrettes.
- Telling strangers and her friends alike about my short comings and laugh about it.
- Only using me to drive her around, carry her stuff or take her places.
I could keep going, but I am stopping here.
She is an awful human being who made my life hell and one of my biggest triumphs in life is to be nothing like her. Now I am no contact and enjoying this New discovered life.
Despite countless requests to not, they sent me to a parochial school where I was physically and sexually abused.
Remembering all the times growing up when teachers suggested I get tested for ADHD and my mom would refuse because she “wanted me to be me, not a zombie” but was wildly disastrous for my future. Now she claims she has it too.
Then she voted for trump 3X.
Sounds familiar, my 3rd grade teacher flagged me for ADD, but my parents were anti-psychology and in the “he’s just being a typical energetic kid. The lack of supports left me an awkward kid, who developed an unhealthy eating habit to get enough dopamine, which they then mocked me for and belittled my struggle to manage my weight. My wife witnessed it firsthand when I first brought her and my 2 year old son to visit, I broke down from embarrassment but she stood up and yelled at them for like 30 minutes about their wretched behavior. She definitely was the best choice in my life.
Your wife sounds wonderful ❤️
Hell yeah, she’s also like a brown belt in karate and kicked a dude trying to break into our house down our outside stairs(was only like 5 steps worth), she is a lady I never had to worry about.
Man I wanna be her friend lol. I just love too when people stand up for their partners and build them up. You guys keep enjoying each other ❤️
Yup! I got called a “lump” a lot by my mother and step dad at the time. Not because I was fat, but because they said I was lazy. I’m sorry you had to grow up that way.
Called my partner a gold digging whore (hilarious, considering she was earning 3x as much as I was at the time) and outright said I should marry the woman (daughter of a family friend) that they liked for me and keep my partner around as a side piece because “a real man knows how to make everyone happy”.
I don’t speak to them any more.
“The girl you like is a whore, you’d be much better marrying this girl instead, and fucking other women, you know, like a whore, but a good one”
What stellar logic they have.
I’m gay but like, the kind that almost got murdered in the 90s for coming out in a rural high school (I know Judy Shepard well). Fast forward to my mom telling me she’s conservative in every way “except she belongs to the log cabin republicans” and I just lost it. “God gave you a gay kid so you could realize everything else they’re saying is a lie, too, but you’re too stupid to get that.”
And that’s when I suddenly realized she had been outright abusive and manipulative my whole life, and it was just this idea of a perfect mom that clouded my vision on it. She weaponized her kids against our dad, his family, anyone she didn’t like. Because she was too much of a victim to fight her own fights. Emotional incest. Lots of therapy fodder.
oh the emotional incest is ever so much fun.
8 years old and having to be their external emotional regulator while they dump all sorts of inappropriate stress and bullshit on you
