I’m trying to retake the medication that I took back in high school (Concerta) so I can study for and eventually take the Comptia A+ exam. The idea being that I’ve a decently-paying remote job that will benefit both my wife and I. My wife, however, refuses to let me get my meds. This isn’t the first we’ve had this conversion and every time she says the same thing: “You just need to focus naturally”, “It’s all in your head”, “Doctors are only in it for themselves” and so on. There’s no getting through to her and I’m tired of trying to get to reason with me. I think I’m going to get my meds in secret and hide them. I know that this is a bad idea but she leaves me no choice. Any advice?
As someone not part of the ADHD community and just stopping by from browsing, I gotta say: your health is your right. The only reason your wife should have any say in something like this is if it has in the past it put her in danger or caused significant issues with your marriage like: “well, last time you took your meds you had awful mood swings that were hard for me to understand and deal with”, or “last time you took your meds you almost got fired, putting our financial safety at risk”, etc. etc. If there is no history of something like this deeply affecting her, than your health is your right and you should get your meds if you and your doctor feel it would help.
“You just need to focus naturally”, “It’s all in your head”, “Doctors are only in it for themselves”
What if you struggled to see? Would she try to talk you out of glasses?
I’m sorry that you are in this position. She shouldn’t be controlling you like this. I’d recommend doing some level of couples counseling, this isn’t really an issue with your medication but your right to control your own body and life.
Two points I hope help you:
My personal belief is not the same as your wife but similar: As a long time ADHD adult, I’ve come to believe ADHD is a societal problem not a mental illness. It is a version of humaness. This is my experience and I don’t expect others to accept it. But, there is a psychological concept that if you remove societal pressure to “be” a certain way, and you are allowed to be you and the suffering is alleviated, its not mental illness.
That being said, you are a grown adult who is allowed to decide what you need. Your wife is being borderline abusive if she is using those actual words and threatening consequences. If you believe this is your best option, put your foot down, thank her for your opinion and say you’re doing what’s best for you and she does not get to decide.
Your first part is correct, but we’re not living in a vacuum. We’re living in a society populated and created mainly by and for neurotypical people. If you’re far enough outside of that, not being able to navigate that environment and live a successful and fulfilling life - even in the absence of societal pressure - can be traumatic enough that medication is a great option.
All of the above said, I agree that changing your own perspective on yourself, coming to terms with “I am who I am”, can relieve a good portion of the distress of living in a world that isn’t really “for” you. If necessary, a combination of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and appropriate medication may be a real light in the darkness.
Oh yes. I don’t mean to imply that society can be turned off like a switch. I just wanted to share that looking at myself through that lens has helped me, and also to start pushing a back, or at least shielding myself, against the attitudes around me – which I believe is the first step in changing society. I fully realize many people are not in a place that will allow this right now, but I hope by sharing this experience, it can help make change. I believe in medication as a vital bridge to health and happiness but regardless of the context, is often just a bandaid solution.
I think the bigger concern here is the wife’s behavior and language and it’s not at all helpful. I believe it is close to abusive if one is going to threaten’s another’s autonomy. If she has valid complaints about his behavior or the side effects he experiences while on the meds, that’s a discussion to have.
I would suggest couples counseling with a therapist that has experience with ADHD clients.
Just going together to the doctor that knows their medical history and can explain it to her might be good already.
THIS! This would be the most healthy and constructive way about addressing this if a simple conversation is not possible.
Advice? Couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, divorce. Your health should not be under scrutiny from someone who thinks it’s “all in your head.” This is one of those molehills that will become an insurmountable mountain.
OK besides everything said that has been said, I would try to ways:
The “nicer” way and ask her if you break a leg do you try to walk without crutches because you just need to walk it off? Because that is what you trying to tell me… Not giving my brain the crutches it needs to walk in this world…
And work from there to the point of couvelingy cuz your wife isn’t supportive to your Problems / health.
My second approach would be more pissed of and look at the walls and ask here why i still dont see any PhDs on the wall, since it seems that she has a medical degree I never knew about.
Since you say you can take the meds in secret, I assume she isn’t your medical or legal caretaker and isn’t required to administer your medications?
If you are your own guardian and can administer your own medication, there is no need to lie about it, nor wait for her to approve of it.
If she was with you last time you were on medication: Are her objections based on how you reacted to it then, like did you change in any way (stop listening, prioritised other things, become emotionally closed off or volatile)?
Are you diagnosis and will get a prescription from a doctor, or would this be self-medicating?
Does she have any other objections youbhavent listed here?
I really don’t think its a good idea to do these things in secret. The diagnosis is a part of you, either she can accept it or she doesn’t accept you.
Couples counseling for sure! (non-religious, they may be free, but they may also just feed into her rejection of pharmaceuticals - very difficultto know beforehand… find one who works with neuro-divergent people, and if that therapist doesn’t do couples they can refer you to someone who does)
First of all, fuck her. Not in the nice way. She has clearly shown she is not your partner but an active enemy. If she does this to your face, just imagine what she is capable of behind your back. No counseling will help. This is basic human decency, which she clearly lacks. Don’t give her the chance to harm you even worse. Run.
Getting back on my meds is what helped me get back into college and get a degree. I am angry for you that you are being treated this way.
I have a friend who was in similar situation.
Your wife does not decide if you need medicine or not. Doctors do. I don’t know if you should take your meds in secret or right in front of her, you should do whatever you think is best for you in this situation, but you need to be taking your meds.
What helped me convince some people that ADHD is not a made up problem was the pictures on Wikipedia’s ADHD entry (in Polish) showing some difference on PET scans of regular person brain and ADHD brain. Showing people that and saying there’s literally a difference in a brain you can actually see made them think twice
Divorce her.
Tell her she’s wrong in all points, courtesy of someone also affected who has a aunt like this. And also, wife or not, that’s your body and your future, not hers. If she can’t accept that, it smells like trouble.
And also, show her this:
What is she really preventing you from in her mind? Like is the concern that the medication is expensive? Or the long term damage if taking said drugs? I would start with addressing those concerns.
She might also be concerned about the addictive nature of most stimulants.
Ah yes. Super addictive. So addictive, in fact, that I regularly need to refill my 30 day prescription like 45 days late.
I’ll never understand the 30 day thing. I can’t get more than 30 days at a time either but my son with the same insurance but different doctor has no issues doing 90 days.
that will benefit both my wife and I.
It’s “that will benefit me”, not “that will benefit I”.
