I have an idea for a post, some may have seen a comment of mine earlier. I’m looking for the most offensive-to-coffee-snobs approach to making coffee possible. I’m assuming something to do with instant, but from there, I don’t have many ideas.
Someone suggested reconstituting it in milk, that seems fun, any other ideas? I’m fully expecting the end result to be absolutely disgusting, for what it’s worth. I’m looking for the worst abomination possible, but it still needs to technically be coffee. Get creative, have fun with this. Whichever technique gets chosen (or multiple get combined), I’ll credit in the post I make.
Grab a used cup of instant ramen from your trash, add coffee beans (don’t grind them), add water from tap (any temperature is fine), put paper ramen lid on top and allow to steep. Forget about it and then drink it an hour lster.
As a different approach is coffee ice cream technically coffee? Scoop into mug, put in microwave, and heat until mug is unsafe to touch.
The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.
They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.
I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.
I’ve only read a few posts so sorry if this winds up being a repeat of something others have suggested:
Empty the contents of a Keurig (best if it’s some kind of flavored coffee) into a tea bag. Boil water in microwave. Steep coffee from teabag in said water.
Get one of these to empty the K-cup into:
Stir vigorously in microwaved hot water.
Piss off the tea people & coffee people at the same time
pour grounds directly into hot water (boil it, who even gives a fuck, but don’t you dare put a thermometer in there), pour through a fine mesh strainer, tell yourself the grit builds grit.
Too many steps. Skip the filter part - coffee grounds in mug, hot water on top. Up to you if you want to let the grounds settle at the bottom or have it extra chunky.
powder coffee (Löskaffee in german, not sure how to translate this properly)
edit: instant coffee
edit 2: it is delicious btw. the only reason why it’s “anti-elitist” is because it’s not spending a lot of money on luxury products. one package with 200g or sth has lasted me more than a year now.
Don’t make any at all and just drink the water. That’ll show them.
Just eat the beans.
I’ve had chocolate covered coffee beans before and they are surprisingly tasty.
Clever Dripper or the French Press. Because I think what will get coffee elitist absolutely sputtering is that they can’t argue with the fact you can get a great cup of coffee without spending a lot of money, without complex gizmos, and without arcane rituals.
I think making bad coffee in a bad way is not offensive to coffee snobs. What would be offensive to coffee snob would be to get some extremely expensive boutique coffee beans and prepare them in a snob way where each step is wrong. Example:
- get single original, unwashed fermented with who knows what 80€/kg beans
- prepare them with a Chemex, using a recycled filter paper (if this ever exists)
- measures your beans in a measuring cup, 5 cups / L of water
- grind the beans with a blender (any grind size is fine)
- skip weting the filter, just put your grinded beans in the filter
- boil a tap water kettle to 100°C
- pour all the water at once until the filter is topped up (do not measure obviously)
- wait until it drains
- server and enjoy
You did way too many things correctly. Measuring at all, boiling the water, grinding freshly, etc.
If you grind the beans freshly you already cannot offend me anymore. You gotta grind them immediately after buying them and then let them sit for weeks or months before using them
Some supermarkets here have grinding machines so you can grind them before even buying them!
My approach for this assignment is to do the things properly but fall short on the most essential points. Pre-grind coffee the day before is a good addition though.
“Laziest”, an “get creative”, are in conflict.
Isn’t there a saying about people spending more energy to avoid doing a task (or automating it or make it easier) than doing the actual task?
oh yes! the best mathematician is a lazy mathematician because they will find the simplest solution
Beans and water in a blender, then to the microwave?
Fantastic idea. Thank you.
You’re not welcome. 🤣
Why are you trying to make coffee when you could just get it from Starbucks?
Too expensive. Instead go to Starbucks and fish half-finished cups out of the trash.
1.5 cups grounds to every 4 cups water, a bucket, mix em and throw in fridge for 3 days
Chew coffee beans to paste, gargle boiling water for 60 seconds, swallow
Brilliant.
Step A) Mix 1 Tbs of instant coffee for each 2oz of roasted beans. In an old crew sock.
Step B) Put the sock on the counter.
Step C) Hit the sock repeatedly with a cast iron skillet for about 5 minutes.
Step D) put the sock with coffee still inside inside a 40 oz stanley tumbler.
Step E) drive around until you find someone having a baby at home.
Step F) wait to see if the baby lives. If so they won’t need the pot of water they bolied to make dead baby soup. Congratulate them and take thier water while it is still steaming.
Step G) pour the water into your Stanley and decant your fresh coffee. Should be ready in 5 minutes. Remove the sock, squeeze out any coffee juices into Stanley.
Step H) enjoy?
Definitely got creative
