Hey, well I haven’t been much active lately.
To be honest mood has been a bitch. Up and down a lot with some bad thoughts and all. At least I’m not alone but gosh this is getting hard. I’m honestly feeling like I’m failing at life like what is the point.
I know this state is temporary but heck I can’t seem to find the medical support I need.
On a side note, I started doing roller derby🛼. Gosh I’m really out of shape. But I know in the long run it’s going to do good. It’s a bit like life, I’m falling down, it’s physically hard to keep up but I’m getting back up eventually.
It’s hard to reach out. Even if I do what am I to say? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What can they do? I’m at good E levels, T low. It is a mental health thing. But the more I try to understand my problems the more I feel like I’m going into a rabbit hole and left even more confused.
I feel like it’s because I started digging a trauma I’m pretty sure is hidden in my memory. Because I know the impact it had on me not who or what. (But I have my guesses because I have a few triggers now I’ve learned to understand)
Anyway, another good note is that I feel more and more feminine. Dysphoria is now a bit less problematic but still having troubles with my own body.
Stay strong everybody. I’ll try to be. I have been so far. I have made so much effort to be where I am today. I’m not going waste them. Sending love 💜 Lily
I wish I could really find something again I could hyperfocus on. Problem is I’m trying just to find dopamine boosts. It’s hard to do basic things sometimes and not just playing a game to keep my mind busy and sometimes I don’t even feel like doing that when my lows are bad.
i feel this so much. i am at a point where there’s not much i can do toward transitioning without a job. problem is, after months upon months of unemployment i’m struggling to apply for work. i don’t know if it’s executive dysfunction or depression or something else, but i feel absolutely stuck and it’s so frustrating because i want to do the things. i want my life to move forward. i don’t even do the things i enjoy doing anymore.
sorry to make this about me, i just want you to know that you’re not alone. i absolutely empathize. so if it’s okay, please have a hug from me.
I still have a job though but I have been on sick leave. I’m going back tomorrow and somehow I know I’ll be judged and honestly make me way too anxious. But I have to face it.
At some point, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna loose my job though. Moving out has been taxing to rebuy stuff for the house and to help my current gf.
Edit : no worries I get it. Giving you a hug too if you want one 🫂
i wish you the best going back to work. i can certainty understand your feeling anxious. i hope you and your gf are able to work together and support each other. thanks for the hug!