Today is 1 year off suboxone, and a few weeks ago, marked 11 years sober.
There’s a couple of things I wanted to say to both get them off my chest, and maybe offer a window into what life is like with a past like mine.
tldr: It’s been fascinating feeling things properly for the first time as an adult.
Sorry for the novella.
spoiler
So, suboxone is marketed as something that can supress cravings. The part they don’t tell you, is that it numbs your emotions significantly.
So for 10 years, I thought that how I felt was normal. But as soon as I stopped taking suboxone, I realised what had been going on.
It’s sneaky in a way. It happens so gradually so you don’t notice the slow erosion of the highs and lows of life.
The first 3 months were incredible. Making music felt unreal. Really anything to do with music was unreal. Waves and waves of the happy head tingles (I don’t know the proper term). Everything felt amazing, because you know, I could actually feel things again.
Socialising, gym, pretty much everything positive was amplified by 10.
But that wasn’t going to last forever because the highs have to come with lows.
All the things I’d been ignoring, all the things I thought I was ok with hit real hard.
Imagine a decade of life experiences condensed into the space of say, 6 months.
It’s overwhelming.
I realised that I’d effectively isolated myself from the world, thinking that it was fine and it didn’t bother me because I was content in my little numb bubble.
Then came the regrets of the wasted time. Not just about my old life, but the 10 years of the half life I’d been living that were in the rearview mirror.
In the last 12 months, I’ve had a couple of significant health scares, work issues, problems with maintaining friendships etc.
No cravings even at my lowest. And I know for a fact that if certain things had happened back in my old life, I would have snapped and gone on an insane bender.
I’m glad I stopped taking the stuff, don’t get me wrong, I just wish the doctor that was prescribing it had been a lot more upfront about the impact it would have long term.
But like I said yesterday, the stats for people who stop taking it are fucking grim, so I’m guessing the medical literature indicates that it’s better that people never stop taking it.
I think the reason I’ve succeeded at this whole thing in general, is that I don’t have a safety net, so I have to be my own. In the back of my mind at all times, I know that if I fail, there’s no rescue.
also, not failure, not wasted time, maybe you were learning the skills to cope with all the highs and lows and getting yourself in a better environment
hugs again , you did great 🥹
also hugs to Gibson, who has been a terrific support 😸
Thank you :) I guess in the end it did help me build a better life, so it’s not all a loss.
And yes, Ms Gibson has been crucial for this entire adventure!
You’re doing amazing. Sounds like the suboxone was the right choice at the time, things could have kept spiralling had you not made that choice. Be proud that you looked after yourself, no regrets. The medication has now done its job, you’ve moved forward, congrats on the one year! It’s a huge achievement especially in the context of those stats. Wow. Well done.
I feel honoured that you are willing to share a situation so personal with us. It’s fucking admirable, and I am in considerable awe. Remember, we are here for you if things wobble a bit going forward. Safe space to vent and all that.
Well this place is incredibly unique and everyone here is supportive of one another, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to give a bit of a sneak peek into what’s been happening.
Today is 1 year off suboxone, and a few weeks ago, marked 11 years sober.
There’s a couple of things I wanted to say to both get them off my chest, and maybe offer a window into what life is like with a past like mine.
tldr: It’s been fascinating feeling things properly for the first time as an adult.
Sorry for the novella.
spoiler
So, suboxone is marketed as something that can supress cravings. The part they don’t tell you, is that it numbs your emotions significantly.
So for 10 years, I thought that how I felt was normal. But as soon as I stopped taking suboxone, I realised what had been going on. It’s sneaky in a way. It happens so gradually so you don’t notice the slow erosion of the highs and lows of life.
The first 3 months were incredible. Making music felt unreal. Really anything to do with music was unreal. Waves and waves of the happy head tingles (I don’t know the proper term). Everything felt amazing, because you know, I could actually feel things again. Socialising, gym, pretty much everything positive was amplified by 10.
But that wasn’t going to last forever because the highs have to come with lows.
All the things I’d been ignoring, all the things I thought I was ok with hit real hard.
Imagine a decade of life experiences condensed into the space of say, 6 months.
It’s overwhelming.
I realised that I’d effectively isolated myself from the world, thinking that it was fine and it didn’t bother me because I was content in my little numb bubble. Then came the regrets of the wasted time. Not just about my old life, but the 10 years of the half life I’d been living that were in the rearview mirror.
In the last 12 months, I’ve had a couple of significant health scares, work issues, problems with maintaining friendships etc.
No cravings even at my lowest. And I know for a fact that if certain things had happened back in my old life, I would have snapped and gone on an insane bender.
I’m glad I stopped taking the stuff, don’t get me wrong, I just wish the doctor that was prescribing it had been a lot more upfront about the impact it would have long term.
But like I said yesterday, the stats for people who stop taking it are fucking grim, so I’m guessing the medical literature indicates that it’s better that people never stop taking it.
I think the reason I’ve succeeded at this whole thing in general, is that I don’t have a safety net, so I have to be my own. In the back of my mind at all times, I know that if I fail, there’s no rescue.
You’re incredible!! Go you 💪💪
Thank you :) you guys have been a great support.
You’re doing so well man
Kitty hugs are better than drugs.
hugs
also, not failure, not wasted time, maybe you were learning the skills to cope with all the highs and lows and getting yourself in a better environment
hugs again , you did great 🥹
also hugs to Gibson, who has been a terrific support 😸
Thank you :) I guess in the end it did help me build a better life, so it’s not all a loss. And yes, Ms Gibson has been crucial for this entire adventure!
You’re doing amazing. Sounds like the suboxone was the right choice at the time, things could have kept spiralling had you not made that choice. Be proud that you looked after yourself, no regrets. The medication has now done its job, you’ve moved forward, congrats on the one year! It’s a huge achievement especially in the context of those stats. Wow. Well done.
I really appreciate the support :)
I agree with you, it did act as a kind of scaffolding, giving me enough foundation to build on. Hindsight is always 20/20.
yes, that’s how I see it
Such a journey that you made it out from on top!
Nicely done dude!
Thanks bro! In my mind, there was no other choice really to be honest.
I feel honoured that you are willing to share a situation so personal with us. It’s fucking admirable, and I am in considerable awe. Remember, we are here for you if things wobble a bit going forward. Safe space to vent and all that.
Well this place is incredibly unique and everyone here is supportive of one another, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to give a bit of a sneak peek into what’s been happening.
You guys have helped heaps :)
Sometimes it’s hard to step outside the circle to find out what’s wrong and how to fix it. You’re amazing and an inspiration. Much love ❤️
That’s really kind of you, I really appreciate it :) And hey, the worst part is over.
You done good 👍 💕
Thanks man :) Rejoining “polite society” has been a hell of a ride lol