Don’t generalize. I am a progressive leftist and think real feminism is justified and necessary, but like any other social movement, there is ignorant prejudice that disguises itself as feminism.
Sexual health professionals will tell you that libido varies among people. When a couple has great disparity, both sides must change and the essential first step for healing is accepting reality. Telling the woman the problem is exclusively men’s fault is a recipe for suffering. I speak from experience.
I had sex maybe once a month; sometimes I would wait nearly three months. When it did happen, it was always the same boring routine, because she never once allowed variation. She made clear she didn’t want it, sometimes even making bad faces, looking away and complaining “Just finish it!”. I had frequent nocturnal emission like a teenager. Sometimes I lost control and resorted to pornography and masturbation, causing big suffering and a heavy guilt of adultery.
After more than 7 years of this, I finally had a tough conversation with my wife. She was initially receptive but then quickly retreated into denial. She concocted five crazy justifications. One of them was that couples with a child can no longer have sex. I said: “then how come so many couples have a second child?” She said they are all bad parents, because they neglected the first child to make the second.
Eventually I showed her my therapy notes. Just a few months after we married (many years before the child), the sexless marriage became a recurrent therapy theme. One day she finally accepted talking to a gynecologist, and some months after that she started physiotherapy, but still strongly refused the crucial part – psychotherapy – because “that is for weak people”. She said that knowing very well both me and our child have psychotherapy. She also said “it is wrong for a couple to like sex”. She would also berate and offend me for trivial and often imaginary reasons. Only after a big fight I would deduce what crazy impulse of her imagination had started it. She had violent headaches twice or thrice a week. Only very recently she finally accepted psychotherapy. She is slowly improving. The headaches and fights are gone, but I am still resentful and depressed because after more than a decade of marriage I still can’t have passable sex.
I can’t speak for her in general and I’m not gonna, but some of what you said sounds like purity culture to me. Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex. Masturbation is healthy.
Masturbation tends to be preceded by pornography. Pornography sells people’s bodies, is flooded with anti-woman violence and racial stereotypes. China and Cuba block it for a reason. And I remind that joke from “Dude where is my car”. I hope mentioning the joke is not homophobic. If you tell me, I can edit it out.
Dude A and B were threatened by a cop.
Dude B told the cop: Dude A will suck your dick, then you will let us go.
The homophobic cop replied: What do you think I am, a homosexual!?
Dude B: OK, so Dude A will suck my dick, and you watch, and masturbate.
The closeted gay cop: Oh, that works!
The joke is that watching two men have sex and masturbating is about as gay as actually having sex with a man.
Does not the same hold for watching a woman have sex, and masturbating? Is that not about as adulterous as having sex with the woman?
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex.
That is mostly true, but cannot be applied as a ivory tower dogma. People learn theories and use them to judge the particular circumstance of couples they never met. Like a couple gets married, both have issues, and both suffer. One consequence is that they have almost no sex, which is terrible to one with libido. Then people pontificate: the side with libido should just live their entire life without sex. And the part who lacks libido should continue to have brutal headaches twice or thrice a week, as she believes “therapy is for the weak”. In no event can the husband demand she have therapy. Dogma is everything, material reality is nothing.
It is analogous to conservative priests.
Someone tells him: lifelong marriage is beautiful, but what about women who are physically abused by their husband?
The priest pontificates: she must take the children to her parent’s house, then raise them without a father, and she must live without a husband for her entire life. In no event can we tolerate she have a second union, because my dogma allows me to pontificate about couples I never met.
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
It’s less coercive than expecting sex from another person who clearly doesn’t want to have sex. If the main issue with your frustration is physical then this is the most straightforward solution. If it’s more psychological then there’s other things you can do to not put so much weight on that. For example most men seem to get taught that not fucking makes them losers and that’s just untrue, unlearning harmful conditioning is good for all parties.
OK, let’s be clear. You are pontificating based on what? Have you studied sexual medicine? Gynecology? Physiotherapy?Psychology? Do know me or my wife?
40% of women experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse), and often never realize it’s treatable, or they take long to realize. My wife’s physiotherapist had a 60-years old patient. Additionally, libido naturally varies between individuals, meaning couples with mismatched desires must both adapt.
These physical factors are often compounded by psychological barriers, such as sexually repressive upbringings and stigma surrounding therapy. When a woman is unaware that her condition is treatable, she may deflect blame rather than seek help. Framing sexual difficulties as solely a husband’s fault only reinforces this resistance. Blame narratives prevent women from accessing the care they need.
I agree with orc girly. I also think your wife does have some very week reasoning from what you have said, but I don’t think that partners should be entitled to sex. I think you probably have some issues of your own if your blaming your depression on your wife not wanting to have sex with you.
I wrote in a haste. I didnt mean my depression is exclusively caused by lack of sex, but that relationship problems are a contributing factor. I have then edited the original comment.
You say that based on what? For seven years I politely asked her to have more healthy frequency, to have reasonable variation, for her to see a gynecologist about her physical problems, and to have psychotherapy for her brutal headaches as neurologist had prescribed. The psychotherapy would also benefit our marriage. I long had therapy myself and made an effort to be a good husband. After seven years I finally told her in tougher terms that our marriage was not good. The therapy has already made good benefit. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too.
My whole point is that prejudiced people pontificate about the reality of couples they never met and know nothing about.
Don’t generalize. I am a progressive leftist and think real feminism is justified and necessary, but like any other social movement, there is ignorant prejudice that disguises itself as feminism.
Sexual health professionals will tell you that libido varies among people. When a couple has great disparity, both sides must change and the essential first step for healing is accepting reality. Telling the woman the problem is exclusively men’s fault is a recipe for suffering. I speak from experience.
I had sex maybe once a month; sometimes I would wait nearly three months. When it did happen, it was always the same boring routine, because she never once allowed variation. She made clear she didn’t want it, sometimes even making bad faces, looking away and complaining “Just finish it!”. I had frequent nocturnal emission like a teenager. Sometimes I lost control and resorted to pornography and masturbation, causing big suffering and a heavy guilt of adultery.
After more than 7 years of this, I finally had a tough conversation with my wife. She was initially receptive but then quickly retreated into denial. She concocted five crazy justifications. One of them was that couples with a child can no longer have sex. I said: “then how come so many couples have a second child?” She said they are all bad parents, because they neglected the first child to make the second.
Eventually I showed her my therapy notes. Just a few months after we married (many years before the child), the sexless marriage became a recurrent therapy theme. One day she finally accepted talking to a gynecologist, and some months after that she started physiotherapy, but still strongly refused the crucial part – psychotherapy – because “that is for weak people”. She said that knowing very well both me and our child have psychotherapy. She also said “it is wrong for a couple to like sex”. She would also berate and offend me for trivial and often imaginary reasons. Only after a big fight I would deduce what crazy impulse of her imagination had started it. She had violent headaches twice or thrice a week. Only very recently she finally accepted psychotherapy. She is slowly improving. The headaches and fights are gone, but I am still resentful and depressed because after more than a decade of marriage I still can’t have passable sex.
I can’t speak for her in general and I’m not gonna, but some of what you said sounds like purity culture to me. Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex. Masturbation is healthy.
Masturbation tends to be preceded by pornography. Pornography sells people’s bodies, is flooded with anti-woman violence and racial stereotypes. China and Cuba block it for a reason. And I remind that joke from “Dude where is my car”. I hope mentioning the joke is not homophobic. If you tell me, I can edit it out.
Dude A and B were threatened by a cop.
The joke is that watching two men have sex and masturbating is about as gay as actually having sex with a man.
Does not the same hold for watching a woman have sex, and masturbating? Is that not about as adulterous as having sex with the woman?
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
That is mostly true, but cannot be applied as a ivory tower dogma. People learn theories and use them to judge the particular circumstance of couples they never met. Like a couple gets married, both have issues, and both suffer. One consequence is that they have almost no sex, which is terrible to one with libido. Then people pontificate: the side with libido should just live their entire life without sex. And the part who lacks libido should continue to have brutal headaches twice or thrice a week, as she believes “therapy is for the weak”. In no event can the husband demand she have therapy. Dogma is everything, material reality is nothing.
It is analogous to conservative priests. Someone tells him: lifelong marriage is beautiful, but what about women who are physically abused by their husband? The priest pontificates: she must take the children to her parent’s house, then raise them without a father, and she must live without a husband for her entire life. In no event can we tolerate she have a second union, because my dogma allows me to pontificate about couples I never met.
It’s less coercive than expecting sex from another person who clearly doesn’t want to have sex. If the main issue with your frustration is physical then this is the most straightforward solution. If it’s more psychological then there’s other things you can do to not put so much weight on that. For example most men seem to get taught that not fucking makes them losers and that’s just untrue, unlearning harmful conditioning is good for all parties.
OK, let’s be clear. You are pontificating based on what? Have you studied sexual medicine? Gynecology? Physiotherapy?Psychology? Do know me or my wife?
40% of women experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse), and often never realize it’s treatable, or they take long to realize. My wife’s physiotherapist had a 60-years old patient. Additionally, libido naturally varies between individuals, meaning couples with mismatched desires must both adapt.
https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/womens-sexual-health-when-being-intimate-hurts
These physical factors are often compounded by psychological barriers, such as sexually repressive upbringings and stigma surrounding therapy. When a woman is unaware that her condition is treatable, she may deflect blame rather than seek help. Framing sexual difficulties as solely a husband’s fault only reinforces this resistance. Blame narratives prevent women from accessing the care they need.
I’m defending bodily autonomy. If someone says no, it’s no, and that’s it.
I agree with orc girly. I also think your wife does have some very week reasoning from what you have said, but I don’t think that partners should be entitled to sex. I think you probably have some issues of your own if your blaming your depression on your wife not wanting to have sex with you.
I wrote in a haste. I didnt mean my depression is exclusively caused by lack of sex, but that relationship problems are a contributing factor. I have then edited the original comment.
Maybe you should try being a partner instead of a “boss.”
You say that based on what? For seven years I politely asked her to have more healthy frequency, to have reasonable variation, for her to see a gynecologist about her physical problems, and to have psychotherapy for her brutal headaches as neurologist had prescribed. The psychotherapy would also benefit our marriage. I long had therapy myself and made an effort to be a good husband. After seven years I finally told her in tougher terms that our marriage was not good. The therapy has already made good benefit. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too.
My whole point is that prejudiced people pontificate about the reality of couples they never met and know nothing about.
I was talking about the meme. I didn’t know what you were on about. My apologies.
OK, thank you for reading more carefully! I am a bit emotional too.
I understand. Thank you for your generosity.