I’m really sorry everyone…this is all my own damn fault, I’m not denying that in the slightest.

spoiler

I was planning to die today. But I guess I’m not even capable of doing that.
This is all because I’m such an overdramatic, pathetic loser, an excuse for a human being. After an appointment with a new psychiatrist where her first question was “What is your deadname?” and after she told me I “started HRT late”, I just fell into a deeper spiral. Now there’s uncertainty if I’ll even be able to go to Thailand for SRS, which made me full on suicidal upon finding out, so I just kinda…broke.
And there’s the constant regret of not starting sooner, constant self-deprecating and loathing from feeling like I’ll never be a woman. Hating my face and body every single waking second.
I’m just…depressed and not doing well right now. And I’m making it everybody’s problem.

I’m sorry, but I guess I’m sticking around. I’m not dead just yet. I’m making a new account and starting over. But…at least, maybe you’ll believe me now that I’m not actually a good person?
I’m really sorry. I’m actually the worst. I know that.

Maybe I should have died. Maybe. But…instead I guess I’ll bother you all some more, again, from zero.
I’m sorry for being such an unimaginable fuckup…

Sincerely,
a very depressed trans girl,
Miisha

  • Zoe@piefed.blahaj.zone
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    6 days ago

    Miisha, honey, you are loved and valid and absolutely 100% a woman. And I’ve heard you say so many times that you’re ugly, and you very much are not! There is no such thing as too late to start HRT, and that new psychiatrist sounds awful. I’m glad you’re alive and here, and I hope you stick around ❤️

  • bonsai@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    6 days ago

    Never apologize for being alive. We’re glad you’re still here. You are a beautiful woman ❤️

  • chattre@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    6 days ago

    missed u Miisha… I know I’m still relatively new to all this as well but I still wanna give u a hug ❤️

  • ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org
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    6 days ago

    Luckily it’s not too hard to switch care providers. I don’t think you should stay with this one, what an awful person. Fuck that unprofessional behavior.

  • Burn_The_Right@lemmy.today
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    6 days ago

    Girl, don’t delete the damned account! (Oh, nvrmnd, too late. But at least you replaced it with Miisha). We’re just getting to know you! And you are loveable as fuck. You are being yourself and sharing the real you. It’s amazing and wonderful. Don’t toss that aside. The world needs that in it. We need you in it.

    Your apologies are to no one, because they aren’t needed by anyone. We just want you to stay here and become the woman you don’t realize you can be. There are countless stories of trans women becoming the women they want to be after years of being sure they could never achieve that. That’s a thing. You are in it and you will have that story to help others with when you become the woman you want to be. You just don’t believe it yet, and that’s the most important part of the story. So good. I’m glad you don’t believe it yet. That will make your story even more helpful to the people who need to hear it in the future.

    Stay here and be amazing. Right now that just means being your authentic self. You need to be nice to yourself, and give yourself time and space to grow. It was tough growing up once. Now you get to do it again, so let’s actually make it fun this time. It’s possible. I promise.

    Also, get a new therapist. This one sounds dumb as fuck. I just want to sit around and talk shit about them with future you.

    The world is filled with terrible people. You ain’t one of 'em. Your existence dilutes the asshole ratio and therefore improves the lives of everyone around you. Depression makes that very hard to see. Let’s address this depression by finding the right therapist. You might have to go to a dozen of them to find the perfect one for you. But that will be the most important shopping you ever do in your life. Totally worth it!

    Ok, now take two shrooms and call me in the morning.

  • AceSLive@lemmy.world
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    6 days ago

    I am not trans. I have no trans friends. I am a male in Australia who is nearing 40 years old.

    For what little my viewpoint carries in this sub, please know that I’m glad you’re still here.

    You deserve love, happiness, acceptance and kindness just like anyone else. Please try to see the good in yourself. You are more than just your gender and your body. There are beautiful things about you, whether you’re hairy and masculine or tiny and feminine, or anywhere between.

    Look for the good parts of you. The parts that are YOU at your core, regardless of genetals and genders. You are worth having around, whether your mind and body match fully, or not.

  • strawberry_enjoyer42@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    7 days ago

    Does it matter if you’re “a good person”? Lots of folks here like you, you’re nice to have around, and we’re glad you’re still here. I think that’s what really matters.

  • DaPorkchop_ [they/she/it]@lemmy.ml
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    7 days ago

    i’m very relieved you’re still here! nobody here think you’re a bad person, on the contrary - there are a lot of us here who love and want to support you. please keep bothering us :3

    also, sincerely, fuck that therapist, and not in a good way. nobody deserves to be treated like that.

  • Brooke (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    7 days ago

    Omg jfc i was so worried about you, please take care of yourself sister, i love you. I cant stand thinking about the worst happening. I dont want to see you go ❤️❤️❤️

    Edit: wish i could hug you until all the pain goes away, hoping that through the internet is enough ❤️

    • Miisha ♀️@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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      6 days ago

      I see my past is catching up to me 😂
      These days, instead of yaoi pictures, it’s mainly boob pictures, horny oversharing, nudes, more boob pictures and memes :3
      Thanks tho. That’s actually super nice of you 💜

  • Of the Air (cele/celes)@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    7 days ago

    We do not believe in good and bad people, so no. We don’t believe that. However, even if we did we see no evidence you are bad, just in a lot of pain.

    We are glad you are still around Miisha