I was just sitting at the mall taking a break from mall walking. A man walked over to me when I wasn’t even looking up. He said "I haven’t seen you here before. " I said I wasn’t really here to talk to people and got up and walked away. He said he would leave, he may even have said sorry. I said I was ready to leave anyway. In retrospect I think he may have just been slightly mentally challenged so I wish I had been a little softer, he did not turn out to be aggressive. Looking for suggestions on something still clear and firm but more polite? This scared me for some reason, I think how fast he walked up and sat down near me.
Editing to add a key detail, he sat down close to me which is probably what made me more nervous than I would have otherwise been. I appreciate all the thoughtful feedback I’ve gotten and interesting discussion.
You do you, my nephew would have taken off running while waving his hands in the air. No shame in either of those responses… Personally I just remain quiet and wait for the person to assume I’m deaf, but we all deal with unwanted conversations differently.
Bro had zero game.
Bro is just like me fr
We are so cooked as a society.
- Why are women afraid of strangers (men) as a default?
- Men are automatically assumed to be predators
I feel for boys. It’s going to get worse, so much worse.
If someone I don’t know rings my doorbell trying to make a sale on something, I assume it’s a scam. It’s not because everyone who rings a doorbell is a scammer, but because there are enough of them that I’d rather shut off that entire avenue of approach.
That doesn’t mean I don’t buy anything. I just don’t buy things in that way.
It also doesn’t mean that I don’t open the door for strangers. Plenty of people are delivering packages or things someone in my house has specifically ordered. Or people need to do work on or around my property (utility pole, buried lines/pipes, neighbors’ trees/fences, etc.).
Understanding the generational shifts in social expectations is important. Bemoaning the loss of a particular type of interaction just because it’s the type you happened to experience before doesn’t actually say anything about the state of society.
Cold approaches by men to women sitting by themselves have basically gone away. There are a lot of reasons for this, including that we as a society have stopped being bored, to where the prospect of small talk with a stranger has changed from “better than nothing” to “worse than nothing” in just 20 years. But it has happened, and people need to adjust.
Can you take a wild guess at answering your own question here?
Why would women be afraid of men they don’t know as a default?
Oh I’m well aware the answer. I’m 49 so I’ve learned that my world as a middle aged straight white man is not the lived experience of the vast majority of people.
We are not reflecting enough on that question.
But, and it’s a big but, we are also not reflecting on what this is doing to the psyche of men of which the majority are “good”.
I wouldn’t have enjoyed growing up in a world where the default is to demonize me for being a boy.
we are also not reflecting on what this is doing to the psyche of men of which the majority are “good”.
I just expect that women don’t want to talk to me at random because they’ve had bad experiences with strangers in the past. I don’t generally want to talk to random people either because of that and I’m a dude. It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself or demonized because I know there are a whole fucking lot of shitheads in this world and there’s no way to tell who’s who. If anything I’d consider brazenly approaching strangers to be a bit of a red flag. It’s not my fault or the woman who doesn’t want to talk to me.
But, and it’s a big but, we are also not reflecting on what this is doing to the psyche of men of which the majority are “good”.
It is not women’s responsibility to put aside our fear of rape and murder to make men feel better about themselves. It’s on men to call out other men, protect women in these types of situations, and treat others with kindness so that kindness can be returned.
We also need to educate our youth what respect and consent mean and that women aren’t objects to be gained or used by men.
I didn’t enjoy growing up in a world where women are sexualized and raped at such high rates.
I disagree in that it’s on both parties to listen and what I am experiencing as women gain more and more equality and take over (thank God men have fucked up enough), they’re making the same goddamn problems.
There is a urgent and growing problem with young men that is going to impact the lives of women and the response cannot be to point fingers and go “buh buh buh men!”.
Most men will tell you rape is wrong. Most men will tell you overt sexualization is wrong.
The problem, simply stated, is that we have rightly been nurturing and lifting women to reach a point of equality in the system but we have not been spending that same energy in ensuring our boys and now men are not left feeling under threat and marginalized at the same time. They aren’t but it’s easy to feel that way.
I think in person we would have a lot in common and I believe we want the same thing. What matters is the approach. The current approach is going to be very dangerous if we continue down the road. The manosphere is simply one concerning symptom as is the rise of nationalism.
Most men will tell you rape is wrong. Most men will tell you overt sexualization is wrong.
If there’s one thing discussions around public cases will show is, this only applies when it’s generic. As soon as you change the question to "Is this rape wrong, many men change their tune, and will find any possible reason to call this particular case not actual rape. So no, I don’t think this actually tracks in the real world
The Cornell case is a perfect example of this.
There is a urgent and growing problem with young men that is going to impact the lives of women and the response cannot be to point fingers and go “buh buh buh men!”.
How will it impact the lives of women?
Andrew Tate.
Oh ok, so if women aren’t nicer to men, they’re going to be raped and trafficked even more?
Great motivation.
They do. Not that it would ever matter to you
https://hbr.org/2020/10/how-men-can-confront-other-men-about-sexist-behavior
Here’s another study for you:
Women’s rights are regressing worldwide, warns UN gender equality chief
Together, these barriers mean that women worldwide have 64 per cent of the legal rights of men whilst 54 per cent of countries lack consent based legal definitions of rape.
This one is also from 2026, by the way.
A new global study conducted by Ipsos in collaboration with the Global Institute for Women’s Leadership at King’s College London and International Women’s Day finds that the majority of men agree that that women won’t achieve equality without their support but half believe they are expected to do too much to support women’s equality.
Is this really the study you wanted to use to prove your point?
Also that study is 6 years old and misogyny has been on the rise since then. Here’s a more up to date study from the same source as yours:
The majority of men feel they are already doing too much for equality. Fifty-four per cent of men across 29 countries feel they are doing too much, compared to 38% of women.
One in two men think the push for equality discriminates against them. On average, 52% of men agree “we have gone so far in promoting women’s equality that we are discriminating against men”. Only 36% of women feel the same.
you dint do anything wrong. i witnessed several times on public transit, and stores, that they would approach women and get in thier face, and try to “flirt” witht them.
Approaching a woman to strike up a conversation is a bit of a fine art to do it in a way that doesn’t skeeve them the fuck out and plopping your ass down right next to them is definitely in the list of don’ts. Hell I’m a guy and I’d be skeeved out a bit if this happened to me.
You did nothing wrong and I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt of just being socially unaware since he didn’t press it.
Be good looking, don’t be ugly. Or be rich and not have to walking around in a mall to find women. Or I don’t know. Dating apps are no longer reliable. Shit glad not single because young men are fuck when trying to date. Because social media have caused more toxic men to given a platform, and women everywhere now must fear all strange men and FOR Good Reson too. Unfortunately this is creating a toxic space for young men which continues to perpetuate unless we find a solution to the problem.
I learned in my 20’s that when I strike up conversations with strangers, it’s a lot better to ensure everyone (including yourself) has an easy physical exit. People are more responsive to someone else making a comment as they’re passing by, rather than cornering them in a confined space, or requiring someone to physically change their direction of movement or step aside to let the other leave. It should feel graceful, where someone who doesn’t want to talk can exit the conversation at very little perceived cost to anyone. It doesn’t have to feel like rejection, and that often starts with the physical arrangement of the people involved, in the setting where it happens.
I’ve been with my wife for over 10 years, so it’s been a while since I’ve approached a woman with the specific intention of seeing if there was potential for a romantic/sexual connection, but I still talk to strangers and build new friendships. Not everyone is open to talking to strangers, but plenty of people enjoy a little bit of low cost social connection, even if it’s intended to be ephemeral. Or if you really hit it off and become friends. But every approach should be assumed to be a fleeting moment, rather than a “I’m going to talk to this person until they tell me to stop” kind of commitment.
You did nothing wrong.
The message was clear: women were meant to be frightened, not empowered by these stories. The power of “fuck politeness” lies in how it “locates women’s daily fears and vulnerability to violence in the context of a feminist politics about deference and men’s status and power.”
Women are socialized from a young age to prioritize others’ comfort, even at the expense of their safety. This “deference behavior” is what feminist scholars identify as one way “women acknowledge and reinforce the higher social status of men.” However, through the MFM community, women find permission to reject these dangerous social expectations.
“Before I became a part of this community and was given permission to ‘fuck politeness,’ I would have uncomfortably chatted with this guy for fear of seeming rude. From a very young age, it’s ingrained in us to be polite and never offend anyone,” wrote one listener in Reddit.
Very good excerpt! I’ll say I want to be gentle with men in these situations for my own safety as well… don’t want to be antagonistic…I agree with you though!
As a dude I feel if I wanted to just be nice to you when I sat down if next to you, I’d have said 'hey how are you?" Waited for your reply and been like “that’s nice.” And just got lost in my phone.
Mentally challenged or not “I haven’t seen you before…” just doesn’t sound casual to me as a dude. It sounds like a slick “Hey baby, you look good.” But with make up on it.
Agreed do what makes you feel safe, but that is kind of you to even consider he might not be all Mentally correct.
Oh absolutely! Gotta do what makes you feel most safe in a situation and fawning (being nice until you can get away) is a valid way to deal with them. But don’t worry about hurting their feelings either way.
I have to disagree with some other responses–the combination of the statement and immediately walking away sounds rude.
Just say you’re not really there to talk to people, maybe add a “sorry”, and look away from the guy. Or you could have added “sorry” to the beginning of your statement. Really any little thing to show that it’s nothing personal.
If she wants to be more polite in the future in similar situations, I think your script is useful and I appreciate it. But I think since his behavior made her afraid, getting away quickly without concern for etiquette was the better move and she doesn’t need to feel bad about it. It indicated immediately, if her instincts were correct, that she wouldn’t be an easy target. If he was just trying to make a connection and fumbling, he discovered quickly she won’t give him one, so he could go sit next to someone else.
(It’s useful to keep in mind that he already was slightly rude by sitting down without a cursory “is this seat free” that would be a very basic manners for this situation. He didn’t, and it’s not evil or anything that he didn’t. But when she got up and left abruptly she was at the same level of rudeness. I don’t think either party needs to feel bad about it, tbh. Social fumbles happen constantly.)
Women don’t have to be polite in pursuit of their own safety.
I think you did fine. As a guy with nieces, my standard for how I’d approach a woman socially is how I’d like another man to approach one of my nieces socially. In a public place where she has several outs if she gets a bad vibe from the situation. But also confident and direct. But just because he shot his shot respectfully doesn’t mean you owe him conversation. Being at a mall to shop or to walk or to kill time is perfectly fine. A lot of younger people do use it as a meeting place because it is big and public and you can explore similar interests while shopping, or even window shopping. When I was younger, I avoided the mall because “mall people” weren’t my kind of people, but now I can see the advantage.
I’d ask you how you’d prefer to be approached, but it’s beside the point since you weren’t looking to be approached in the first place, and that’s fine too.
Nope. You did nothing wrong.
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A woman approaching another woman and a man approaching a woman is different. Why are we pretending it isn’t?
I would absolutely leave if a man approached me like that while I was alone. And it’s not wrong.
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Ive been raped before. I don’t need you to tell me it’s in my fucking head.
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Telling women to stop being afraid of men and get off social media is fucked up.
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I was afraid of men long before social media existed based on personal experiences receiving unwanted and inappropriate attention and comments. Note I’m not saying ALL men but this is based on personal experience, nothing to do with social media, what a stretch.
I think any man that approaches a woman who is alone and exhibiting body language that is not open to conversation and then proceeds to sit down near her and start a conversation rudely is a problem.
It’s not just any man.
I would never approach someone who was not looking up at me unless I really had to, like they had dropped something. I can’t think of a time a woman has approached me in this way.
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Of course I have.
Feedback unrelated to your core problem. I’ve found that when describing people it’s more appropriate/respectful to use man, woman, person or whichever way you like to describe people, save for male/female. The latter is good for speaking about subjects or patients in a more scientific/clinical/biological way, but can sound impersonal in an “othering” sense. Noones going to throw a fit over this unless you’re in a weird place online, but it does make your language softer and more personable
Good point , for some reason I don’t love the term “woman” but I am aware people use female pejoratively probably more often.
It took me a while to get to terms with man/woman, mainly because it feels like I’m a grown-up, and then I realised, fuck, I’ll hit 30 soon…
Boy/girl works in informal contexts (“what’s up, old boy”), but I would not like getting called a boy in a condescending way myself. So I decided to go with the more standard words for adult male/female humans, for no reason other than that they are neutral. In my native language, there is no direct equivalent of the nouns male/female, and the one we have sounds like straight out of a David Attenborough narration.
Yes, using “male” or “female” as a noun (rather than an adjective) is bad form when referring to people. At least, it’s non-standard.
That said, language is constantly evolving, and when there is a need, it will be filled. Convention be damned. And there is a need for a noun that means “girl or woman” that isn’t clunky. There’s no good “standard” word to use. I think that’s one of the reasons this usage is becoming more common. (Personally, it gives me the ick, probably because I heard it used mostly in misogynistic contexts c. 2010 and it’s hard to shed that connotation. But I see it more and more without that subtext more recently. I suspect in 50 years it will be “standard”.)
Similar deal with the singular “they”. Some people still complain about that, even though it’s been in use for a very long time (centuries, I think).
I, for one, am a strong proponent of…well, my username. After all, “bro” can be short for Broseph or Brosephina.
I worked with adults (and children) with developmental disabilities and this was a common thing we dealt with. We would take groups of guys out into the community to work and get some socialization. Since I’m a man, I usually worked with guys while women worked with women.
A lot of these people typically don’t get out into the community often so we were there to help them understand what was appropriate and what wasn’t. It was somewhat common for some guys in our groups, and we usually knew who was more prone to it than others, who would do this so we’d have a closer eye on where they were. We also had some who had sexual assault records and we made sure to be very, very close to them in proximity and not letting them out of our sight while ensuring that they had the same opportunities to have a normal life in public as possible.
We worked with both high functioning and low functioning populations, that is to say those who you can tell have some type of disability are lower functioning, as we referred to them back in the day and there may be some more politically correct term used now, with higher functioning population being less recognizable and more like anyone else you’d see in public, usually people with autism.
I say all that to say that if this man had a developmental disability, just from what you said here about how you handled it sounds fine. You didn’t sound rude or violent or anything. Just sounds like you were firm and polite and aware of your own safety which is great.
Most women who were approached by our population handled it very well. I can’t think of a time when someone didn’t and acted inappropriately in return. I think most women could tell seeing our groups and then noticing us as the staff coming along to redirect the guy and prompt him away from what he was doing that was inappropriate.
I remember one guy we had in particular who had a deep fascination for black women (he was Asian but at the same time would talk about how much he hated “Mexicans” and was part of the KKK) and would almost cross the line multiple times with women any chance he got. Not like violently attacking anyone but just overly verbally creepy. But even with him and how aggressive and creepy he’d be, women were very kind and polite but firm and did almost like you, just tried to make their escape. We’d make sure to be near him as much as possible but sometimes he’d get away from our sight and go do things like this. I remember one time he was very much into one woman but she was interested in my coworker who got her number and that set him off into a rage when he saw them talking and her handing him something.
I don’t know what it is but recently I’m seeing a lot of content about people “approaching” strangers and people saying it’s normal and people want to be spoken to. Some weird social media trend maybe.
I know I have watched videos about this also, that people say they are not approached or feel like they can’t approach others. My thing is body language and eye contact, if I’m out walking around making eye contact and we exchange a hello and see if more occurs fine. But if someone is totally closed off looking away… take the hint. And like dear lord don’t sit down without being invited to ! Chat a minute and ask first.
Before social media this was totally normal. See someone you want to talk to? Walk up and say hi. There’s nothing odd about it
Before social media this was totally normal.
That depends so much on where and when you are. I’m older than social media and no, strangers didn’t walk up and say hi in my culture/s. There were plenty of places that sort of thing was acceptable but they were places with an implied invitation to socialise, not the street.
The post doesn’t mention being on the street, it mentions walking around a mall and taking a break. Malls have historically been social locations since their inception, especially among those that choose to go there without the intention of shopping at the stores located within it. Nothing wrong with wandering the mall, but other people may think you are there to socialize if you aren’t shopping… Especially if you are partaking in their favorite activity.
The post doesn’t mention being on the street, it mentions walking around a mall and taking a break.
Oh well, it’s a marginally different situation. Might as well just discount my entire comment. It’s what I’m going to do with your forest-for-the-trees comment rather than engage any further.
I grew up without social media and to me this is not at all normal. The only strangers who talk to you want to sell you something, or they have some mental issues.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing? Apparently America is unusually friendly compared to the rest of the world, and striking up conversations with strangers is pretty normal.
unusually friendly
It’s more how we define being polite in social situations. In much of the world it’s considered rude to intrude on other people’s time uninvited. I think the term is “negative politeness”. How one feels about that is the cultural difference.
America is huge huge, there are several different norms across the country. The people who live in the Southern states have a wildly different approach than people who live in the Pacific Northwest, for example.
Yeah, I’ve met Americans who somehow manage to do that. As a European, it never happened to me and if I think about doing it myself it just seems creepy and weird.
That’s probably it then. I’d say it feels weirder in America if you’re completely shut off to random small talk. It varies a bit by region, and certainly by individual, but I’ve never been anywhere in America where it’s strange to strike up a conversation standing in line or waiting for a bus or something.
yeah im not sure how prevalent it is now but in my city in ages past it was pretty common to talk at public transit stops and grocery lines and such. I mean there is a casual way to strike up a conversation and a creepy way and movies by and large have these two. Even comedies about someone seeming creepy who did not mean to.
I think people who are socially inept are often advised to strike up innocuous little throwaway conversations with strangers in public places to improve their ability to interact. Unfortunately this is also exactly the MO of killers in CSI programmes.
I’m a man and that would be very weird to me as well. You have to first test the waters, see if the other person wants to talk, and if they respond positively, you can have your chat. It is a bit like a negotiation: You need to establish that this monkey will not murder and eat that other monkey, and that that other monkey is not in a barely restrained murdering mood itself. Once that’s out of the way, have your chat.
If that sounds like a sales tactic, it sadly is. Door to door salesmen employ the very “tricks” deliberately, which sucks, but does not make it less valid. We are cursed with a mind that can analyse itself. Things get easier if one accepts that as basic biology.
It’s something I did when I learned I had autism. Helped a lot. Highly recommend. I’m female, though, and very not-scary.
I have done it a little myself because I have a natural tendency otherwise to close small talk down. I think because while I like people theoretically in practise that sentiment can wander.
It’s the MO of every human being when they are interacting with a stranger for the first time…
In retrospect I think it was the sitting down near me thing, like we were old friends, that made me react more strongly than I would have
A perception of forced rather than incidental interaction is common from those practising chitchat and those set on murder was my point.
Thank God I’m not single.
