I’m asking as a non-religious person; I just find it romantic. I met a guy I really like recently and we’ve been hanging out a lot. I told him about my boundary, and he’s cool with it.
it’s your choice. if that’s what you’re comfortable with and your partner is ok with it, then there ya go.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The biggest risk is rushing into marriage because you’re horny.
I agree with this.
Outside of the reasoning OP gave, some people just aren’t that into sex, some people like it but it isn’t the main way they connect with their partner, etc. So long as both people are on board with this approach and it’s not one person “putting up with it” then I struggle to find downsides.
I’ve been with my partner for 15 years (married for 10 if the marriage thing feels critical to people) and so long as attraction is there I think it’s absolutely possible to learn to care for each other’s needs, just the way you do for any other thing in life.
I can’t hurt
It can hurt. For many of the reasons posted already.
Incompatible sexual preferences, or libidos can really drain a relationship sometimes.
Putting off the sex until marriage can also lead to one or the other to be not completely honest, even with themselves about why they’re pushing for the marriage. And once that line is crossed, it can become hallow.
You should already know what you’re getting into before signing a (hopefully) lifetime promise with someone.
I do think it’s a bad idea. I’ve heard of too many people finding out after they get married that they are completely sexually incompatible. It’s very hard to get past that.
But waiting a long time in the relationship to have sex is probably a very good idea. It can be one of the last few boundaries.
Sex is too important to me to leave to chance. I can wait for the second or third date before sex but if someone is that precious about it that we aren’t banging by then, I know we’re not compatible.
That being said, I think it’s perfectly fine to feel differently about it. Be honest and true to yourself because if someone is precious about it but gives it up because they feel pressured because I know what I’m about, that’s just a lie and a relationship can’t be built on a lie.
Sex is just sex. It’s not magical or spiritual, it feels good and makes you feel connected. Do it. Enjoy it in whatever way your wish.
Yes, not having sex before marriage is a horrible idea.
Sex is a big part of a relationship. If its bad, it can break the relationship, lead to cheating etc. Better to find out before making things legally binding and having to deal with the mess afterwards with extra complications.
Edit: not saying anyone should have sex on the first date. Get to know each others, get to trust each others. Talk about things. Then have sex only when you are comfortable with the other person and the idea of having sex with them.
Sex is not a big part of relationships in some cultures, particulary those with a tendency of arranged marriages.
They just view each other like a sort of an inseparable lifetime friend more than a sex object
Good point. I did assume a western culture background.
I don’t know what you are trying to imply with the “sex object” comment, but personally I have never had sex with a “random” person, nor have I thought about my sex partners as sex objects. They have been people I cared a lot about and wanted to connect on a deep level. Some people do think of others as objects to have sex with, but I think thats a different conversation from what is being discussed here.
This is not true for the people in arranged marriages that I’ve discussed the issue with. The men had not been sexually naive before the marriage. Women explained it as finally being able express affection so it was like a dam bursting into one person. They felt that sex was a critical ingredient to the marriage. Granted that has only been a handful of cases where that frank discussion took place, and it is only with a single cultural group, so you may have more extensive experience.
Edited for autocorrect
Nothing wrong with it. It’s a choice by consenting adults
I do think it’s a bad idea, even as someone who saves sex for committed relationships.
- A lifelong commitment to a potentially disappointing physical relationship doesn’t seem like a great plan.
- Before sex, there’s a lot of incentive to present your best self. Afterwards people are a more comfortable presenting more of who they are.
- You learn a lot about someone’s priorities, self-control, receprocity, hang ups, etc.
But if it works for you, don’t let others talk you out of it.
It’s a terrible idea. Now you’re locked into a marriage and only starting to learn if you’re sexually compatible.
Sex and the ability to live together are something I think need to be heavily practised before you even think of settling down permanently with someone.
That said, if you are encountering pushy guys and telling the you’re waiting for marriage makes them back off, keep saying you’re waiting for marriage! But if things get far enough along that you think this is someone you want to be with “forever”, I’d revisit the boundary and see if it still make sense.
I don’t know if that’s reasonable. If you’re only saying that to “filter out” people, then you’re going to filter out good people. But if a guy is being too pushy when you say you want to wait, you don’t need to lie about waiting for marriage to test him, just break it off because he’s being pushy.
Not everyone is sexually compatible. Better to find that out before involving a legal contract in your relationship, in my opinion.
If he’s terrible at it, it could definitely be a big issue with marriage.
Personally, I would rather establish sexual compatibility before I pledge my life to someone.
It’s romantic, but like most romantic ideas it’s not based in reality and potentially harmful. Like urgetnt people have said, being sexually compatible is very important for a long term relationship and finding out whether you are only after you got married might quickly lead to a very unromantic divorce.
You have to think of the potential that this person is not going to be able to please you sexually. If that’s something you’re cool with in a marriage, then yeah, that’s fine.
Speaking personally, that’s not something I would want to risk.
You can always learn. It’s not like sexual prowess is innate.
I fucked like a jackrabbit before marriage so it’s not my cup of tea, but I do have to laugh at the “what if they’re bad in bed” arguments…communicate and put some effort in.
it’s not so much about bad in bed, it’s about compatibility. there are some pegs that doesn’t fit some holes, to coin a phrase.
Sure someone can learn techniques and stuff, but if their genitals and/or naked body are not sexually attractive to you, or vice versa, that’s something that’s better to find out before getting the government involved.
Or if the things that turn you on turn him off or vice versa, that’s also something that’s better to know early.
So it’s not really about “bad” in bed. It’s whether what they like to do is something that satisfies you sexually, and whether what you like to do is something that satisfies them sexually.
As far as I understand, “saving it for marriage” doesn’t usually preclude couple seeing each other naked and having other forms of sexual contact.
The argument makes sense for arranged marriages and stuff like that, yeah. But makes no sense for what I think is most common which is “my penis cannot go inside your vagina until we’re married, take that God”.
Being a good lover takes years of practice, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. So, by all means let’s have zero practice and just assume everything will go well 🤣
