I tried making a Reddit account and it asked me to build karma before I could ask on any of the relevant subs so I’m posting here.
I can personally say that if anything goes up there, it hurts, and not in a good way. It does not feel pleasurable at all. It feels kind of like placing a finger on an open sore and pushing down.
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable and enjoyable, why would doctors tell you to brace for impact, so to speak?
Lastly, women often scream during sex. It’s often said they’re screaming out of pleasure and not pain. But there are a lot of things I find extremely pleasurable, but I don’t scream while I do them.
Is it just one of those things that is painful but we’re conditioned into believing the pain is actually pleasure and I must have inconsistent pain tolerance and I am making a big deal out of this?
From the last time this was asked: seek professional medical advise. It should not be painful. There are non-medical reasons it might be less than amazing, but it should not be painful.
For me, it hurts at first, but my body builds up lubrication after insertion. He goes gentle and slow for a bit until it feels good for me. I would characterize my pleasure from sex as kind of comparable to my pleasure from eating. In general I love sex. Not every meal is a Michelin star. Sometimes it is, just absolutely amazing and fulfills my every need. Sometimes it’s just reliable and hits the spot real quick, like a peanut butter sandwich. Rarely, something is a bit off, and it’s not that great.
But it’s not normal for me to suffer. I stops hurting, it feels good, and I want it.
Thanks. How do you push yourself past the phase where the pain makes your eyes blur and water? I get to about just over an inch up and that’s when I’ll be yelling to stop, because it hurts too much. And that was with loads of lubrication. I feel like I’m making a big deal out of this when other women seem to just put up with it. Is there anything I can do to increase my pain tolerance down there?
Have you tried using a set of medical dilators?
That’s not normal, go see a gynecologist.
It may end up being normal for you, but get a doctor’s perspective - they can rule out dysfunction or identify what’s causing pain and may be able to help.
You may be dealing with vaginismus, which is a condition where the vaginal muscles involuntarily tense up in anticipation of insertion. It can make sex (or any other kinds of insertion, like tampons or pelvic exams) extremely painful, because you’re stretching the tensed muscles the same way a muscle cramp would.
It’s largely considered a psychological condition, because it is typically based on anxiety surrounding the insertion. And that anxiety can quickly become self-perpetuating, as pain from insertion will likely cause future anxiety. Therapy (and practice) can help alleviate that anxiety, which can alleviate the tensed muscles, which alleviates the pain.
I obviously don’t want to try to diagnose you over a simple Reddit comment. But it may be worth looking into, because that much pain during insertion isn’t normal. And it’s possible that previous doctors have simply brushed you off, because many doctors don’t tend to take women’s pain seriously.
That doesn’t happen. Like, it has never hurt that much. You’re going to need to seek treatment for vaginismus.
You’re not “making a big deal” — what’s happening to you is real — is also real that this doesn’t happen to everyone. What you’re feeling is not universal.
Women scream in porn. If sex is painful for you, you should see an obgyn
Women scream in real life too - every woman is different.
Yes, of course, but based on the post, it felt clear to me that they were referencing porn
they also overexaggerate to,
Or spit on it first at the very least.
No, it’s a lie made up by the patriarchy
The Reagan administration stole the g spot and have kept it hidden in area 51 ever since.
Big Lube keeping the poor wo/man down.
I made a snarky comment but after reading the body I realize you’re a female OP.
Go see a doctor. Yes women do enjoy sex and if it’s painful or uncomfortable you might need to get something checked out.
I have, hence the examination mention. There’s something that still confuses me, though. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable, why is it when you’re being examined down there by a doctor, they’ll tell you to take deep breaths, as if to say “brace for impact/expect pain”?
Sex is very different from physical examination at a doctor’s office. A doctor may need to do things that you wouldn’t do for pleasure but are still important for checking on your health. Some of the things they may need to do may be uncomfortable/painful for some people with vaginas. It’s also a psychological thing: pleasure during sex/masturbation has a fairly significant psychological component. It’s rarely the case that anyone automatically enjoys any interaction with their genitals (male or female genitals, actually). It’s very context dependent and dependent on one’s frame of mind. Most people are not going into doctor’s appointments with any desire or expectation for pleasure, so the experience is just very different from the get go.
Another possible reason for asking you to take a deep breath is that deep breathing can relax muscles and the mind, which can be helpful during an examination.
Because you’re not usually sexually aroused at the doctor’s office.
I would imagine if you visit their office because of pain, a part of their reason and response to you is to brace for the discomfort that you’re there for.
There are two parts to this. For starters, sex without arousal is also painful. During arousal, you secrete lubricants, the vaginal cavity expands as blood flows to it, and your body dampens pain reception across the entire body. Most people are not aroused by medical examinations and given your examples for experiences I’d say you’re definitely not getting hot and bothered by it. So the difference is eating a candy that you’re excited for compared to eating plain bread with a dry mouth.
Second is that your doc may be aware of your issue and forewarning you so you’re prepared. Given the way you talk about it, I’d imagine you’re probably on the younger side. If you’re getting your first few exams, or have been direct about your experiences so far then it’s likely they’re playing it safe for your comfort.
Lastly, talk to your Doctor about this issue, here are some examples so you know the verbage. I’m a guy but I do have second hand experience. I long distanced a gal who had surgery for microperforate hymen before we met and was incredibly scared of penetration in any way. It didn’t work out for other reasons, but we had a lot of fun building her confidence and other interests. The mother of my child had a partial transverse vaginal septum, it led to a sharp and buring pain at the entrance during penetration outside of a specific angle. This was “solved” during child birth when the doc had to snip her to allow the baby to come out. After getting stitched back correctly (no husband stitches here) she ended up having quite the sexual awakening. Lastly, my now spouse had a rotated womb which lead to abdominal pain during arousal as it pinched the womb. This was remedied.by a full hysterectomy for unrelated purposes.
Point being, there’s a lot of variables in the area and it would do good to read up on some of the issues, do some self exploration to get a good handle on what your symptoms are, and them talk to your Doctor about it.
Medicine traditionally does not consider the pain of women or children to be worthy of consideration. They only started using anesthesia on infants in the 1980s, as doctors had convinced themselves that infants couldn’t feel pain, for some reason.
Because it’s not sex, so you’re not excited, blood flow hasn’t increased, natural lubrication hasn’t increased, muscles haven’t relaxed naturally.
Several reasons. One, they’re sticking a metal thing in there, and that can be painful, especially if they don’t use enough lube. I remind them to use a lot. :) Two, you may be having a lot of anxiety and tightening up all your muscles (I know I do!) so that makes it harder for them to insert the thing–hence, they tell you to take breaths and try to relax. Also, I always try to go to a woman gynecologist. I’m more comfortable with someone who knows what it’s like and they’re usually much nicer, so that helps.
The expectation of pain is a huge factor for my partner, she has to be TOTALLY RELAXED to enjoy anything.
And this developed after us being together for like 10 years. We had super fun, impromptu sex whenever, and then that started to go away.
Point is, expectations of pain can make sex painful. So OP has a hill to climb to get to easy, comfortable sex.
If the docor said “this is going to feel good” that would be a lot weirder
Full disclosure: am a guy.
Holding your breath allows you to tense up and clench more than you can while breathing. Taking a deep breath eliminates some “tensing” muscles from the equation. Still, with some effort (or anxiety, probably) you can still clench up while breathing.
I am appalled that no one has brought this up so far- but it hurts because they are touching the cervix, which generally doesn’t get touched, and can be very painful to hit. The speculum they are inserting is designed to slightly open the cervix for the examination.
OP, there are many sizes of vagina. You may have one that’s on the smaller side, with a low pelvic floor. My partner is the same way, and penetration can be painful for them. We have switched to using very small toys or focusing on clitoral stimulation to get them off instead of relying on penetration.
If your doctor clears you, you may just have a low pelvic floor, and may not like penetrative sex. Which is fine! It’s just good to know about yourself.
Don’t be appalled. I doubt many people know about this stuff as much as you do. I’m more appalled by the lack of women here confirming that women enjoy sex. But I assume that’s because most women are currently having sex instead of talking to nerds on the Internet.
There are conditions where sex is painful that exist for both genders. Vaginismus is maybe 6% for women and phimosis is maybe 3% for men. Numbers on these things are tough to get as many people suffer them quietly thinking they are normal.
If you or your partner experience issues it is important to know you are not alone and you have choices. That said some folks also just do not enjoy sex. Many certainly do, regardless of gender or physicallity.
If you are having issues and you don’t want to, I would advise talking with someone you trust and also seeing a doctor. It is good to get a few viewpoints on issues like this as sometimes they can be dismissed.
This definitely sounds like vaginismus from the body of the post and from the comments.
What helped my spouse was dialators. We went to an adult store for ours so we could talk with a clerk about what we got, but Amazon and a million other places have them as well. Kits come with various sizes, and you’ll start small and work your way up. That and weed for relaxation.
As far as i can tell women do actually enjoy putting things up there. Hard to imagine the sex toy market would be as big as it is if this was some collective hallucination to mask pain.
Again, dude here but I assume the reason doctors tell you to brace yourself for things like that is because inserting things isnt pleasurable unless you are properly aroused and I cant imagine many women are aroused by medical checkups.
I’d wager your issue is more that you arnt properly aroused when you are putting things up there…that OR you’ve got some kind of medical condition that you should probably bring up to a doctor.
It doesn’t matter if I’m extremely aroused or not, though. It’s about as pleasurable as pressing on an open sore. I don’t mean to yuck somebody’s yum, but I’m genuinely baffled how anyone could find that feeling enjoyable, let alone bearable.
Because they may have different anatomy or sensory feedback than yourself. Many women enjoy sex, some scream out of animalistic intensity of the pleasure, especially during an ejaculatory climax
Yea, it sounds like you’ve got a medical problem. As a guy I obviously dont know first hand but I have been in a 15 year relationship that averages sex 3-4 times a week and I can pretty confidently say that putting things up there should feel good. Hell, I dont think the strap-on market would exist if it didnt. Too many lesbians doing things to eachothers holes for it all to be some mass trauma response thats turning pain into pleasure.
Because that’s not what they’re feeling.
I’m not sure why you’re feeling that way — but it sounds like something you should look into. Do you have any over or under sensitivities to other sensations?
One reason im with my wife is her apparent love of sex. Its funny I knew guys who believed there were two types of women. the marrying kind and the ones you had fun with. I believed the same thing but it was only one type of woman.
Endometriosis. PCOS. Look them both up and please, please, please go see a doctor.
Ex had endo, it’s a fucking nightmare.
We heavily modified our sex lives to adjust to it, a lot more foreplay and a lot less penetration.
The women that have slept with me seemed to. 🤷♂️
I am pretty sure you shouldn’t be feeling intense pain putting things in a place at least 1 thing was intended to go. Have you talked to a gynecologist about this?
I’m a guy, so I can’t truly say first-hand. However…
I know that my current girlfriend (27F) has what I think would be considered " vaginismus ", which is a condition where she finds penetrative sex extremely difficult, due to some combination of fear and (at least anticipation of) pain. Basically she has a visceral panic/pain reaction to even the idea of having something inserted into her vagina, and that is followed pretty quickly with an emotional follow-up in which she wells up and feels abnormal and generally bad about herself.
To be honest I haven’t had a ton of sexual partners, and this was not even something that I was aware existed before starting my relationship with her. She has even gone so far as to tell me that it’s OK if I want to find someone else to have sex with if it’s something that I need, but I don’t feel good about that and I feel that she’s only saying it because she is worrying about me having my needs met… She does masturbate and uses a vibrator to do it in a “shallow” way. She has considered herself asexual at times, which I fully respect, but I also think may be something of a coping mechanism, considering her problem goes beyond sex and into other parts of her relationship with her own body, for example visiting an gynecologist or even just putting a tampon in!
Personally, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this concept, and even though we’ve talked about it at length I’m not 100% sure whether this is a manifestation of physical pain, or psychological phobia, or both.
I want to be understanding to her and we’re working through it together, but it is difficult for both of us to navigate on an emotional level. I should add that we’re both kinky, and so we have other ways of enjoying “sex” with each other that are not penetrative vaginal sex, and that she is starting therapy for this condition. I really love and care about her, and I want to support her and give her the time and space she needs to figure this stuff out. I’ve done some reading into it, naturally, but as a guy it feels basically unknowable to me!
She’s generally a functional adult but maybe somewhat autistic, and her feelings from this range from embarrassment and shame to pain and self-hatred… so she isn’t always the best at putting her precise words to her feelings. I have asked her if she has had a history of sexual abuse or trauma, and she said “no”. To be honest, she has had some strange ideas about men and sex in the past, referring to sex as “inherently violent” and likening the penis to a “stabbing” weapon. She has had a history of dabbling in lesbianism and is well-educated in various waves of feminism, and hasn’t ever had a boyfriend before me. My understanding is that she has had this mental/physical block for her whole life, even to the point of getting extremely anxious and passing out in sex ed class, or something along those lines.
So, that’s a long way of saying, “no, not all women enjoy sex”, in my experience. 😔
I honestly wish I could say it was somehow my fault–like, I wish it was just because I am terrible at sex. 😂 Because that would make it so much simpler… My girlfriend is a sweet and loving person, and it really makes me sad to think that she has such a deeply painful and antagonistic relationship with her own body and sexuality. It really makes me sad to know that she can’t even put a tampon in without having an intense emotional reaction.
I imagine that she’s not alone in this either, and that there are women all over the world who share this experience, even though it’s not something that’s commonly talked about. I don’t know if your experience is similar or not, but if it is, then please know that you’ve not alone!
Anyway, sorry for the long rambling comment, but I guess I’ve been looking for an outlet to talk about this stuff…
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful
Most people would need a mood to be set to enjoy sex or to be ready to receive something. Think this applies for women and for men who partake in anal sex.
By that I mean they need to get turned on to feel like having intercourse, because yeah, intercourse is strenuous and requires your body to be in a specific mode. For a penis inserter, getting turned on is a much simpler affair and can happen in a matter of about 1 second.
Lastly, women often scream during sex.
I don’t know if they do to be honest. A lot of pornstars do, hahaha - they’re paid to ham it up and overall they give an unrealistic view of how sex works. (Once upon a time the main watchers of porn would be people who hadn’t had it yet. Possibly still the case)
Uhh despite my initial dismissal, i’ll suggest this: some people might do it because sex can be akin to tickling, where your nervous system gives you mixed messages or gets overloaded. And, some women exist who grossly exaggerate their “noises” during sex, believing it makes it more fun or gives an ego boost to the husband. It probably can make it more fun for both parties, but the authentic noises - no matter how quiet they are compared to screams - are great as well.
Can’t really speak for the experience of having a vagina but if it hurts so much that you don’t ever feel like having sex, and haven’t self stimulated in any way, talk to a doctor about it?
To tag on a relevant other point, I’ll mention that many people find the stimulation of the outside of the vagina and inside walls to be the pleasurable part rather than the “poking” of the back aka top of the vagina. If it’s just the back of your vagina, e.g the cervix, that hurts to be poked, that is normal. Sexual stimulation makes the vagina expand in size, accommodating the insertion of a penis; sex1 should be gently inserted unless you’ve requested otherwise, being one of the lesser number of receivers who enjoy rough sex - it’s courtesy. It may be the case that your vagina is particularly short and hence you’ve already noticed the discomfort of insertions.
1 also an archaic term for a penis lol, used as such here.
Yes, women in general enjoy sex, and not because they like pain (although some like that too, but that’s not relevant to your post). I’ve had the feeling of penetration described to me like a very satisfying pressure, no pain involved at all.
See your doctor. Your vagina can dilate far enough to give birth, the average penis should (taking into account enough foreplay, arousedness and no medical or anxiety issues) really not hurt.
Vaginismus, Endometriosis, Stress, Anxiety, not enough natural lubrication or the need for dilatation are the most common issues, but there are other less common things that can lead to pain. Nearly all of them can be overcome, especially if you have a partner worth keeping.
NEVER let anyone gaslight into thinking your pain isn’t real or no big deal. Pain is a very complex reaction that consists of a sensory input and the interpretation in your brain as painful - noone can decide for you what should or shouldn’t hurt. I was a long time chronic pain patient, and after the surgeons told me that they couldnt do anymore for me and the painkillers didn’t help, i was able to slowly rewire my brain with the help of a fantastic physical therapist. i had been in pain for so long that my brain simply interpreted every sensory input in the affected body parts as pain.
If i was able to get rid of the pain that was crippling me for years, you can do the same. And the sooner you start doing something against it, the easier it will be - don’t try to wait this one out.
I have said since I was a teenager, that women do not enjoy sex nearly as much as men.
Now that I’m older, it’s gone from being sn observation, to understsnding why.
When men have sex, there’s no downside, and it’s easily the best thing we’ll do all day.
When women have sex, they do enjoy it. But they have so many things to worry about. Are they going to get pregnant? Does this guy have a wife? Is he going to hurt me? Is he just using me?
Those are all things women have to think about with sex. Men don’t.
I know I’ve never been worried about if a woman is just using me. It would actually probably be pretty easy come to think about it. If a woman wanted to just use me for sex? Like she just wanted to handcuff me to the bed, and sit on my face? It would probably be really easy for a 110lbs 5’2 woman to overpower 6’0 250lbs me. She could easily overpower me, and handcuff me to the bed. And if she doesn’t have handcuffs…I could bring some…
Men have to worry about pregnancy too. If a man gets a woman pregnant, it’s ultimately her choice whether to keep the baby or not, so the risk is she would want to keep it and you gotta help raise the kid or pay child support.
It sounds like you’re coming from a perspective of women only having one night stands. In a loving long term relationship, I hope that the answer to questions like “does this guy have a wife”, “is he going to hurt me” or “is he just using me” would all be no.
Nah he’s right on the first part. I enjoy sex and would do it more if I didn’t have to deal with all the bullshit being AFAB brings.
Pregnancy. Its a huge deal. Even abortion is a huge deal. Abortions hurt. You have to get the meds. Its illegal in my state. The meds can fail then you have to have surgery.
Birth control. A fucking pain to take daily at the same time plus if you react bad to it oh well.
UTIs. I can’t have sex without getting a UTI. There is literally nothing that can be done about this other than take an antibiotic everytime I have sex. I have tried everything else.
Periods. You’re going to stain your sheets\towels. Don’t forget to take your tampon out.
There is no fun and flippant sex when you have an innie instead of an outtie, there is always baggage.
If I had a dick I’d be having so much more sex.
I have screamed uncontrollably from pleasure until I lost my voice. It was too much but my partner refused to stop because they knew exactly what they were doing and no safeword was said. I like pain, I like pleasure, I like sex. Sometimes it starts as pain and becomes pleasure, sometimes it’s the other way around, sometimes it goes back and forth.
If you aren’t having fun, you aren’t having fun. Though, sometimes, vocalizing at all is a flood gate.
