Trying to get some input for someone else. Was thinking of upskilling, finding a group, developing a hobby, guided activities. Any ideas?
Summer camp might be a good option to break out of old habits, get new acquaintances and renewed self esteem.
I was at a party with my parents one day celebrating our national day. I decided right there that I was going to talk to someone and I started up a conversation with an old gentleman which I was able to carry for a good long time. From then on, every time I was at a social event with people I didn’t know, I talked to at least one person.
Then when I was able to drink, I’d stop in at a bar and strike up conversation with random people. Alcohol helped a lot.
Alcohol is the Great Social Lubricant. There a lots of activities that allow for some responsible drinking while having fun with friends or new people, like student associations, sport teams, Renaissance fairs, concerts, house parties, etc. Just get a drink and go talk to people. You’ll probably do some stupid stuff as well, but at least that makes for good stories.
I learned how not to be awkward with experience. I paid attention to what people thought was awkward, got a feel for it, generalized, and tried to avoid it. It’s all practice.
This is great. But he hasnt yet recognised that it might be his behavior that is pushing people away.
I did a horrible and dangerous job for 2 years while undergoing the most intensive psychotherapy that exists. It improved my social skills, developed a skillset that’s rare and highly valued in my chosen field, and completely recalibrated my sense of hardship.
This is what i did for my own journey. Trying to find the angle how to encourage him to try it for himself.
It takes a while to learn how to not give a fuck about what people think of you. But in a respectable way of course. If you stop giving a fuck you can just be yourself. Took me at least until I was 25 before I could really be myself. Looking at the people around me that age can definitely be much lower or even higher though. I still care about what some people in my life think about me, and I try to live up to their expectations because I love them.
Your idea of doing social activities is a pretty good idea too. Meeting all kinds of different people is a good way to get out of your shell and you’ll automatically care less about what they might think of you because if it doesn’t click with them that’s perfectly fine and you can just continue your journey.
finding a group wont stick unless you have a level of cohesion, which takes you being comfortable. I agree with your thoughts that can be via a study/hobby/shared interest. But a big bonus of this is your happiness.
Figure what makes you happy, this is not things…this is something that makes you feel peacefull, fullfilled, excited to be part of.
Use your comfort routines, but not to a detriment. Hiding is a comfort but not helpful to the end goal. Test the boundaries of being around people, practice small breathing techniques. There are lots of others just like you doing the same thing despite appearances.
Likewise there is always an arsehole. Everywhere, there is one at school, one at work, one on your street. Learning to spot them and live with them is uncomfy but is a good skill lifelong.
As others have said learning not give a fuck about what people think of you is liberating, however its also a balance as friendships need cultivating, this is part of routine, they are not just a need them when you need them thing.
Good luck, trying is the first step. I hope happiness finds you, and wraps you up.
Essentially, practice. I at some point figured that I was never going to be popular in the school I was in. So I used it as a testing ground. Tried different things, tested my classmates reactions. Because of my family moving I ended up at two different schools after that, which I could then also use to practice - each one worked out better than the previous one. Eventually I got to the point where I wasn’t too awkward anymore. (Except until I was psychologically abused, but that’s another story…)
I was absolutely terrified to talk to strangers so I got into a job where I was forced to talk to strangers on a daily basis.
Covid gave a lot of time to think and lots of time to reflect…especially also finding out im Bi and then meeting the diverse ppl helped a lot
You get older and stop caring all the time what people think and it starts to get easier.
We’re social primates. Caring what other people think is hardcoded into us, and it’s not something you can just choose to stop caring about.
As people get older they just get better at tolerating that uncomfortable feeling and accepting that you can’t please everyone. It’s not that people like that don’t care - they do - they just do it anyway. Caring isn’t the issue, but when it starts affecting your behavior it might become one.
That’s not quite true. It is also built into us to not care about certain people. While what you say is true about our in-group, it’s not true about the out-group. So what you can actually do is mentally identify certain people as not belonging to your group, and then you can actually not care about what they think.
Throughout most of human history, the only people you even knew about were those in your tribe and your neighboring tribe. Whether they were friends or enemies, you still very much cared what they thought about you.
The fact that we now have people in our lives we don’t need to care about is a modern luxury that our evolution hasn’t caught up with.
I stand behind everything I said: we care, and when we think we don’t care is when we especially care.
Research disagrees with you, humans are very much capable of not caring about certain people. Also, I’m glad you never had to experience what people truly not caring is like.
I’d like to see that research if you wouldn’t mind linking it.
There are a lot of these kind of studies about empathy. I didn’t find any particularly about “what this other person thinks of me” (I don’t know if there is a specific name for this that would be easier to search), but I think the logical leap from “being able to disable empathy for other people” to “not care what those people think about you” is not really disputable. Though of course it might not be quite the same thing, I think when you can disable empathy for someone, you can also pretty easily disable to care about what they think of you.
Throughout most of human history, the only people you even knew about were those in your tribe and your neighboring tribe. Whether they were friends or enemies, you still very much cared what they thought about you.
This sounds like some anthropology shower thought I’m not sure I’d hang a theory on.
That’s a very easy way to dismiss an idea without actually engaging with it. Could you explain what specifically you think is wrong with it, or offer a better alternative explanation? Otherwise it just comes across as ‘I don’t like the sound of this.’
It’s really overly simple and makes a lot of assumptions. We only knew people in our immediate area ergo empathy is part of our hardcoded biology. Is there any research backing it up?
Five-Year Olds, but Not Chimpanzees, Attempt to Manage Their Reputations, Jan Engelmann, 2012
Reputation and Socio-Ecology in Humans, Angelo Romano, 2021
Nobody’s watching? Subtle cues affect generosity in, Haley, Fessler, 2005
I can link you more after you’re done with these. It’s a highly studied subject and I’m sure you could’ve just googled all this by yourself too.
My first stepping stone was when nobody in my group wanted to ask for napkins when we were out eating. Which is silly, so I stepped up and ask for it because my mouth and fingers are messy. Ok the other thing is we were in a foreign country and our mastery of the language wasn’t great and everyone was shy.
That’s when I realize that random people thinking of me like some kind of weirdo doesn’t matter because it’s almost guaranteed I will never meet them again.
If I need to integrate with a group sooner or later, that’s when I lurk and just sit in with a few people, listen and add in anything
I realize that last part is hard for a lot of people and I really don’t have anything I can offer how to overcome the awkward feeling but I believe you can do it.
It’s very true, though. I think we all deep down want to say the right things or be the star of the show, but sometimes we learn much more just by sitting, observing and waiting to say something that adds to the conversation, instead of just talking about nothing.
The secret, it applies to everything in life: No one cares about what you do, who you are, or what clothes you wear.
upskilling
Feel free, you’re free, no one cares! Upskilling would be dancing lessons for an awkward guy/girl who doesn’t know dancing is fun.
find a group
Find a group that does what you like or what you may like. Go one step further. If you feel that it could be interesting in a parallel universe, even if it’s not your passion right now, try it.
hobby
What do you like? Take it to 11, write a blog, be an expert, you have all the time in your life!
I had an autism diagnosis. I found a friend with even more autism through school. Thats kinda it
Fake it til you don’t look like an awkward person - level up tov only slightly odd.
Life is life - most ‘adults’ just trying to keep their head above the water.But to help: find a community - your ideas for new skills are great. Learn to be confident in your knowledge - that help with awkward feelings.
Expose yourself to new ideas and meet new people. Put yourself in situations you hate like: public speaking.Eventually you will get old and realize that nothing really matters.
You know, that awkward moment you still think before falling asleep: no one else remembers it. (Unless it was really a total cluster fuck - but i doubt it).
Anyhow, good luck! You can do it!Get a job where you deal with the public.
You’ll get paid and you will learn quickly.
I haven’t completely figured it out. I was a very awkward and sheltered teenager twenty years ago for a lot of reasons I’d rather not go too much into. As a result there are very few people from my school, sixth-form and university days who I’m still in touch with.
It doesn’t help being on the autism spectrum and living in a somewhat dysfunctional household with elderly parents (moving is out of the question because my job prospects got nuked by AI and mass layoffs, and Britain is a country filled with greedy parasitic landlords and no properties to actually buy.)
What helped me come out of my shell was working in a call centre (where I had to start interacting with colleagues and customers) and more recently, karaoke. I’ve started going to pub karaoke nights quite often over the past two years and made some pretty good friends from it. It’s not something I’d recommend from everyone, because the pressure to drink is there.
I met my wife doing drunken karaoke. 25 years later, I sometimes still do it but she’s 10 years sober now.
