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“Hey, don’t you love the nature surrounding us, which you are prohibited from interacting with during the length of your contractual obligations with us?”
Not really, but it beats the fuck out of the interstate that runs by mine.
Are they not allowed to go outside, or…?
“Imagine diving down to the bottom, expelling all the air from your lungs, and just waiting for the river’s sweet embrace to take you. I hear it’s a surprisingly peaceful way to go. I yearn for that with all my being. Monday mornings, eh? Do these windows open?”
Drowning isn’t peaceful. There’s ways of asphyxiation that are surprisingly peaceful, but drowning isn’t one of them, not even when done well.
But also, don’t die to escape from a job. You can escape normally. It’s usually really easy to do: they let you go home, just don’t come back. Go do literally anything else.
I was proposing a hypothetical thing to say to a hypothetical boss who hypothetically inflicted such a commandment.
Don’t worry about me, I’m a self-employed consultant working three days a week and now winding down to my retirement with a bunch of low stress side-hustles. But I appreciate the concern. I hope your weekend is surprisingly full of joy and wonder!
You need help.
I’m all good. This was just a comment for shits and giggles.
We all do
This is being hyperbolic, but at least the lordes and tyrants of the past used to just steal your food or murder you.
These modern replacements like playing with their food.
Sounds like the boss is infatuated with the river and wants to be able to talk about it.
And goes about it the entirely wrong way.
Wait, what? Unless that’s an allegory for AI or something, that actually sounds pretty nice.
I’m way overthinking this. To me, it sounds like someone proposed to move to a cheaper location. Some other manager asked for this to “prove” this improves morale and the river view office should be kept Who knows
Maybe she’s the only one with a window and is sick of everyone intruding to see?
It’s the forced small talk that the OP has an issue with, not the actual view.
Maybe I’m too deliberately obtuse, but I would make so much fun out of this, taking it as an opportunity to research useless river facts. Like “did you know this river starts at X/was named after Y?”, specific facts about its wildlife, etc. Just pretend I’m intensely interested in the river beyond its utility for small talk until it goes from something everyone is sick of into a running gag (that everyone is slightly less sick of).
Which I guess ironically feeds into what the boss wants, but at least it’s not painful.
Find a local river monitoring org and see if you can get the nombers for oxygen saturation, PH and pollution information. Odds are they aren’t great.
This person Jim Halperts.
Ok, now do that at least twice a week forever.
You only need to research 104 facts, then boilerplate the intro and closing and copy/paste for the messages, then you setup a scheduled task to send 2 messages - Monday and Thursday - in order (not random, since you don’t want to send the same thing twice or too close). In an office of 50 people there’s no way they’ll remember the 4 facts that you sent last year at the last week of April. But here’s the fun part, if they keep it up for a year+, you start seeing return on your investment. If not, you don’t change the scheduled task, and they slowly go mad with river facts until they leave the company and/or die. Either way, you win.
Joke’s on you: they won’t keep the job forever 😉
I thought it’s some very lame attempt at making it so a RTO mandate is “here to stay,” by memeing about the fucking office view.
Just repeat whatever an AI says, no matter how absurd. Bonus points for reading it in a robotic voice.
This also gets you your compliance points for using AI in everything.
I think that’s the takeaway… well assuming “yearning for the mines” isn’t being used sarcastically.
Later during performance review:
“I noticed you are having issues staying on task; you need to minimize the distractions around you to make sure this doesn’t become problematic for work”
That’s what families do, amirite?
First thing monday morning.
Looks at river, “If I was in that river Id be so wet right now.”
Boss starts looking worried.
“I bet if that river splashed me in the face we’d need two towels to clean it all up!”
Then I dont need to comment on it again until next monday.
Boss starts looking worried.
…because he thinks you’ve discovered his fetish.
The boss brought up the big wet thing in the first place!
“Boy, that river is moving pretty fast. I bet if I fell in you wouldn’t be able to find my body for weeks…”
next week…
I just want to go down and slowly insert two of my fingers into that river and feel how wet it it! Then id pull them out and watch it slowly run down my arm.
I bet it smells like fish…
ok im good until next week!
Keep going. This is doing something for me.
Bros gooning to river smut
From: jrandom@company.tld
To: everyone@company.tld
Subject: River observations 2026-04-27Everyone,
I would like to point out that the river showers to be wet. I world also like to observe that I saw at least three (3) separate ducks on the river so far.
We will revisit this topic next Monday as per company guidelines.
J. Random
Widget Testing Dept.Clearly, this needs to be a meeting with 20 people. We need to get consensus on the number and color of ducks, and what to do about them. Plus there’s the more elementary question of whether water can be wet.
It needs to be 2 hours. The only slot that everyone has free is during lunch, so I booked that.
well shit… my top comment is going to be about fucking a river now I guess…
Three… Three towels?
Four towels is a bit excessive don’t you think?
Plot twist. Boss is actually the river and just wants to hear nice things about it.
Sounds like an anime plot to me! “Old Man River: How I Discovered My Boss is an 8000-Year Old River God”
Not enough words, gotta double that. Also wouldn’t hurt if it was an Isikai, somehow tied in game elements, had a harem of some sort but he was too oblivious to realize, and the fan service episode needs to be on a beach at the river.
Still turns out to be a highschool harem drama, somehow
Probably.
He’s an 8000 year-old river god but he looks like this:
Maybe he doesn’t remember that he’s a river?
“Look at that fucking river out there. Thinks its so cool. Just moving pop cans and fish shit past the window. Stupid fucking river.”
That’s… actually kinda cute? I mean, it has a Michael Scott vibe to it? Like he’s trying really hard to get them to appreciate the river? I believe I might be overusing the questionmark? Oh my god I can’t stop? Send help?
Here have some more in case you run out -???
Thank you?
Just don’t use them all in one place.
Help: ‽
Where?
The river, the one with all the ducks.
What kind of boat do you suppose that is?
Probably the buoyant kind?
Depending on the situation, might be related to rto
The river brings life. The river brings prosperity.
sounds like a joke or lighthearted attempt at socializing.
Just say “Water wet” every time they ask you to fill the quota
let me out of the office to experience it, then
