I know this might sound like a strange question, but I’d like to talk about it. I recently joined a lesbian Discord server. After chatting for a while, I shared that I’m married to a man due to cultural and religious reasons. I was married at 16, and it wasn’t really my choice, so I didn’t have any prior experience with men or women. People in the server seemed to expect me to say that I hate my husband or find sex with him disgusting, but I don’t. My primary and only attraction is to women, but I can still enjoy sex with a man on a physical level. My first experience with a woman happened after I was already married, and it was actually facilitated by my husband, who is supportive and helps me connect with women discreetly since I live in a very conservative country. After I shared this, many people in the server reacted negatively and called me a “fake lesbian” or bisexual, which honestly hurt.
I wouldn’t say it’s wrong… But it might be inaccurate to call yourself lesbian. In that you don’t fit what people expect that word to mean.
I can tell where the disconnect comes from: most non-bi people find the idea of sex with their non-preferred gender repulsive.
In that way your lived experience differs from that of most people. You have a clear preference, but it doesn’t come with the sexual aversion for the other sex that most people experience.
And your description sounds more like you’re asexual with men… Which does mean that neither “bi” nor “lesbian” correctly describe you. If someone was rude in how they said that too you, that was uncool of them.
I wouldn’t worry too much. The important thing is that you understand yourself, which you seem to be well on your way on. If and when you need others to understand, you can add on some explanations.
And your description sounds more like you’re asexual with men…
Not how asexuality works.
How dare you question the one true decider of all labels!
Duh
They why did you make a comment with incorrect info.
I’ve reworded it to help your reading comprehension.
Oh so you’re a dick as well.
I tend to do that when someone goes for the worst possible interpretation so they can assume ignorance.
Frankly you walked in sounding like the kind of people who were mean to OP on discord.
No, you deliberately gave OP incorrect information and now are pitching a fit because someone corrected you.
And your description sounds more like you’re asexual with men
Seems more like aromantic to me than asexual. OP enjoys the sex, just not the intimacy.
Labels are dumb, but if I had to call it something, it’d be homoromantic-bisexual or something like that.
I don’t see what’s wrong in describing oneself as a lesbian in that instance, given that all labels are just labels of convenience and it describes OP’s ideal preference well enough. Even if some gold stars may disagree.
Some lesbians only want to be with other lesbians, and they would feel betrayed/lied to by her calling herself a lesbian.
Just like women I date would feel betrayed if i called myself straight, but they found out I had a sexual relationship with a man.
We can make up our own definitions of these things, but other people may not agree with us.
I mean I think I’m a straight, but plenty of people in my life past and present tell me that I am gay. Including bisexual women I have dated.
unless you’re selling yourself to people who don’t know you, there’s no reason to be concerned about your labels
This. It’s an argument about categorisation or labels. It’s only relevant if you’re somehow misleading someone.
Also most of the people OP is talking to have no concept of what life is like in a conservative country, where marriage to the opposite gender is expected at a young age.
call yourself whatever you want and feel comfortable with. change it over time. or not. it’s up to you to feel whole in your own mind, heart, and skin. it’s not that you need to react a way a community requires. especially online ones.
be you. lesbian. or not. the “haters” can hate.
You shouldn’t have to justify your identity. Sexulatity are just labels, it doesn’t really matter. Just identify as what you want / feel comfortable with!
Sorry that that happened to you! Unfortunately there are many people in lesbian communities that can be quite judgemental about such things.
And some people just simply haven’t considered the difference between being attracted to and physical enjoyment derived from sex with somebody. Look at asexual people (who generally experience very limited or no sexual attraction) - some of them are having partners and enjoying sex, and it’s incorrect to say that they aren’t ace anymore because of that (although there has been some drama regarding this topic, go figure). Same in your case.
I’d say saying you’re a lesbisn is absolutely fine - you’re the final arbiter of your own identity.
No. How you feel about anyone is up to you. There’s nothing whatsoever wrong about feeling the way that you do.
The biggest harm society does is trying to categorize people’s sexuality in firm boundaries. Sexuality is more complex than the boxes we want to draw.
Your husband is a person you have a meaningful human relationship with. It’s not sensual, probably not romantic. He’s probably akin to your best friend. He also provides mechanical actions for you with his biological dildo, which hits the right spot. But it’s not a real, sensual, rich sexual experience, it’s mechanical. He’s being a supportive life partner, but not a lover.
Your identity as a lesbian is valid. Some nit-picker might say you’re a fem-leaning bisexual, but that ignores the social context. It sounds like an arranged marriage in a culture where lesbians are not welcome or accepted, where you weren’t ever exposed to that possibility. You’ve made the best option for yourself that keeps your life socially acceptable, safe, and comfortable, and you’re really lucky to have someone supportive of who you are.
The biggest harm society does is trying to categorize people’s sexuality in firm boundaries. Sexuality is more complex than the boxes we want to draw.
100% this.
The BIGGEST harm? You have a sheltered view of the world
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You’re bisexual.
You can call yourself a chicken sandwich. But the rest of us will consider you a human being.
Nonsense, your definitions of these trait label categories is entirely black and white, when in reality close to no one fits 100% into a category completely
yeah, you’re right! I’m secretly gay, even though I have no attraction or sexual desire towards men.
And also not straight, even though I have only had sex with women and only pursue women sexually.
If you say you are bi then I would assume you will fall in love and be attracted to men and women not just have mechanical sex with men like it is a flesh dildo. So op would lie if she said she were bi. It would deceive men into thinking they had a chance and that she would be horny for them and fall for them.
She said she only falls for women, feel sexual attracted to women and if she could she would be with a woman. But she is fine with using her partner who she was forced to marry (sorry for this wording op) as a sex toy.
So I would call her a closet lesbian that is pragmatic.
I can’t agree with you:
Saying she’s a lesbian because she enjoys sex with a man although not being attracted to the man or men altogether is similar to telling a trans woman she’s a man because she has a penis or an X and Y chromosome or whatever.
I think it’s wrong to use your criteria to determine if someone identified themselves “correctly” or not and we should be more supportive to the labels people feel fitting for themselves.
Your chicken sandwich example obviously is a hyperbole that doesn’t help this discussion. Practically nobody would honestly identify as a chicken sandwich but there’s a valid point in saying “I feel attracted to women and although I can get off by having sex with a man I identify as lesbian” as well as saying “I am a man feeling attracted to women, identifying as heterosexual and still I think a blowjob by a man would get me off”…
if you have sex with people of both sexes, you are bisexual.
it’s really that simple. it’s not hyperbole, you can call yourself whatever you want. but you real world behavior is what you actually are. you can make up whatever elaborate fictions you want in your own head, and argue with people about them, fine.
I have met plenty of people who claimed they were x, but they were not x in the real world. their claim was a fiction in their head they convinced themselves of, and they ignored the evidence of their own real world behaviors.
there are also a million ‘sexualities’ now that all basically mean the same friggin’ thing.
I could call myself straight, or call myself a allosexual graysexual demisexual allromantic automongamous semifictionsexual cisdemigender individual…
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defined experimented. because it’s one thing if it’s making out, it’s another if it was a prolonged sexual relationship.
OP is objectively pursuing sex with both men and women. she’s bi. claiming she is a lesbian while engaging in sex with men and enjoying it is simply just silly. she is not claiming she was forced to have sex with men.
rape has nothing to do with any of this.
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If you were a man living in America, people would call you a closeted homosexual, not bisexual. So I think it’s a combination of double standards and gatekeeping. My advice would be to block the negative people so you’ll never interact with them again.
yeah, that’s so true.
gender/sexual fluidity is only allowed for women.
I would jump into this entire discussion with a general question of my own - being bi or gay - is it related to sexual attraction, emotional attraction, or both? For ex. A person of one sex, can find the person of the opposite sex attractive in a sexual way, but could never imagine an emotional bond with the opposite sex.
I would assume it has only to do with sexual attraction, but reading comments… seems blurry.
but I can still enjoy sex with a man on a physical level
So you enjiy both… You’re bi, dude…
A hetero would never even consider sex with women
A lesbian would never consider sex with men
The label isn’t your personality, it’s for other people, to know what is acceptable to expect in a interaction with you…
If you say you’re a lesbian and mention a husband, the first thought of the beholder will be “is he forcing her? Should i intervene?”
It’s fine
This is a perfect example of why any labeling, whether it be for sexual preference, political, religious, or whatever, will always have gray areas of misunderstanding. It’s necessary sometimes to make it easier to convey meaning, but it also can be very vague and inaccurate. And as the comments show, people have different interpretations of the same label, so the point of a label is a bit lost.
I think it’s even more problematic here because we’re talking about two (or more) different things. There is preference, and then there is actual activity. And there is also the fact that people change over time, so you might not have been one thing before but are more in that area now due to interest and/or desire.
I’m not a fan of labeling. I like the discussion of ideas, and the breakdown of your interests is much more clarifying than if you had called yourself one thing or another, or even if you had said you’re lesbian, but with some bisexual tendencies.
What is disappointing is that a group of people who are part of a minority that gets shunned and resistance from society still would turn on someone just because they don’t fit perfectly in their own vision of what a lesbian is. They should know better and accept anyone who has any degree of qualification, even something as simple as a woman who has never been with a woman but is having some feelings. Why do persecuted minority groups do this?
people are concerned that some women label themselves lesbian or bisexual to sound more interesting. This might be why the discord server is so defensive.
Since you are attracted to men and women, you’re bisexual.
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I think this might be classified as “super-sexual”, i.e. attracted to one gender both physically and emotionally, but interested in purely sexual activities that extend beyond those limits.
