I know this might sound like a strange question, but I’d like to talk about it. I recently joined a lesbian Discord server. After chatting for a while, I shared that I’m married to a man due to cultural and religious reasons. I was married at 16, and it wasn’t really my choice, so I didn’t have any prior experience with men or women. People in the server seemed to expect me to say that I hate my husband or find sex with him disgusting, but I don’t. My primary and only attraction is to women, but I can still enjoy sex with a man on a physical level. My first experience with a woman happened after I was already married, and it was actually facilitated by my husband, who is supportive and helps me connect with women discreetly since I live in a very conservative country. After I shared this, many people in the server reacted negatively and called me a “fake lesbian” or bisexual, which honestly hurt.
people are concerned that some women label themselves lesbian or bisexual to sound more interesting. This might be why the discord server is so defensive.
Since you are attracted to men and women, you’re bisexual.
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unless you’re selling yourself to people who don’t know you, there’s no reason to be concerned about your labels
This. It’s an argument about categorisation or labels. It’s only relevant if you’re somehow misleading someone.
Also most of the people OP is talking to have no concept of what life is like in a conservative country, where marriage to the opposite gender is expected at a young age.
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Gold star lesbianism is this weird thing, and even people who aren’t lesbians seem drawn to the notion of sapphic purity and identity.
I don’t get it. But then again I don’t worship lesbianism as some higher form of existence the way some people do. It seems to derive from the notion of female Chasity having spiritual significance/superiority and that maleness is ‘tainted’ or demeaning if you are touched by it. Shit’s wild.
TERFs and all that also seem to believe in magic sacred vagina energies too, because they need them to harvest moon energy or something.
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Does that not make you a bi-sexual who leans towards liking women more than men?
I don’t feel attracted to men. The act itself arouses me and feels good physically, but the man himself doesn’t. On the other hand, I’m attracted to women in the traditional sense.
To be honest, I would advise not putting yourself in whatever boxes society has decided people should be in.
I’m like 97,479% heterosexual but I do find some men attractive and wouldn’t mine having some fun. But I don’t consider myself bisexual, heterosexual or gay. If someone gets upset that I’m not hetero/gay enough or whatever, they can fuck off, I don’t care. I am what I am, thats enough for me.
Not that it matters but do you mean 97479% or 97.479%?
Edit: natters
Euros (like Germans) use a comma as we use a decimal point. It’s why you see prices on ads as “€19,99”
I mean 97,479%.
Hope this helps.
Well you certainly say what you mean. Fair enough.
A lot of countries use , to indicate decimals instead of .
The inconsistency is inconvenient, but context helps.
This would be the case here as well. We use gaps and the comma. For example a car price might be written as 25 999,90€. That would be twenty five thousand nine hundred and ninety nine €uros and ninety cents.
So according to them, people who enjoy using a toy for pleasure should id as dildosexual or whatever. It’s just an organ reacting to physical stimuli
You shouldn’t have to justify your identity. Sexulatity are just labels, it doesn’t really matter. Just identify as what you want / feel comfortable with!
Sorry that that happened to you! Unfortunately there are many people in lesbian communities that can be quite judgemental about such things.
And some people just simply haven’t considered the difference between being attracted to and physical enjoyment derived from sex with somebody. Look at asexual people (who generally experience very limited or no sexual attraction) - some of them are having partners and enjoying sex, and it’s incorrect to say that they aren’t ace anymore because of that (although there has been some drama regarding this topic, go figure). Same in your case.
I’d say saying you’re a lesbisn is absolutely fine - you’re the final arbiter of your own identity.
No. How you feel about anyone is up to you. There’s nothing whatsoever wrong about feeling the way that you do.
The biggest harm society does is trying to categorize people’s sexuality in firm boundaries. Sexuality is more complex than the boxes we want to draw.
Your husband is a person you have a meaningful human relationship with. It’s not sensual, probably not romantic. He’s probably akin to your best friend. He also provides mechanical actions for you with his biological dildo, which hits the right spot. But it’s not a real, sensual, rich sexual experience, it’s mechanical. He’s being a supportive life partner, but not a lover.
Your identity as a lesbian is valid. Some nit-picker might say you’re a fem-leaning bisexual, but that ignores the social context. It sounds like an arranged marriage in a culture where lesbians are not welcome or accepted, where you weren’t ever exposed to that possibility. You’ve made the best option for yourself that keeps your life socially acceptable, safe, and comfortable, and you’re really lucky to have someone supportive of who you are.
The BIGGEST harm? You have a sheltered view of the world
The biggest harm society does is trying to categorize people’s sexuality in firm boundaries. Sexuality is more complex than the boxes we want to draw.
100% this.
You’re bisexual.
You can call yourself a chicken sandwich. But the rest of us will consider you a human being.
If you say you are bi then I would assume you will fall in love and be attracted to men and women not just have mechanical sex with men like it is a flesh dildo. So op would lie if she said she were bi. It would deceive men into thinking they had a chance and that she would be horny for them and fall for them.
She said she only falls for women, feel sexual attracted to women and if she could she would be with a woman. But she is fine with using her partner who she was forced to marry (sorry for this wording op) as a sex toy.
So I would call her a closet lesbian that is pragmatic.
Nonsense, your definitions of these trait label categories is entirely black and white, when in reality close to no one fits 100% into a category completely
yeah, you’re right! I’m secretly gay, even though I have no attraction or sexual desire towards men.
And also not straight, even though I have only had sex with women and only pursue women sexually.
I can’t agree with you:
Saying she’s a lesbian because she enjoys sex with a man although not being attracted to the man or men altogether is similar to telling a trans woman she’s a man because she has a penis or an X and Y chromosome or whatever.
I think it’s wrong to use your criteria to determine if someone identified themselves “correctly” or not and we should be more supportive to the labels people feel fitting for themselves.
Your chicken sandwich example obviously is a hyperbole that doesn’t help this discussion. Practically nobody would honestly identify as a chicken sandwich but there’s a valid point in saying “I feel attracted to women and although I can get off by having sex with a man I identify as lesbian” as well as saying “I am a man feeling attracted to women, identifying as heterosexual and still I think a blowjob by a man would get me off”…
if you have sex with people of both sexes, you are bisexual.
it’s really that simple. it’s not hyperbole, you can call yourself whatever you want. but you real world behavior is what you actually are. you can make up whatever elaborate fictions you want in your own head, and argue with people about them, fine.
I have met plenty of people who claimed they were x, but they were not x in the real world. their claim was a fiction in their head they convinced themselves of, and they ignored the evidence of their own real world behaviors.
there are also a million ‘sexualities’ now that all basically mean the same friggin’ thing.
I could call myself straight, or call myself a allosexual graysexual demisexual allromantic automongamous semifictionsexual cisdemigender individual…
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defined experimented. because it’s one thing if it’s making out, it’s another if it was a prolonged sexual relationship.
OP is objectively pursuing sex with both men and women. she’s bi. claiming she is a lesbian while engaging in sex with men and enjoying it is simply just silly. she is not claiming she was forced to have sex with men.
rape has nothing to do with any of this.
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The Diabolical Lies podcast had an episode recently where they explored the history of sexual orientation. Apparently it was only in the last 100 years that we started using “homosexual” to describe a person’s identity rather than a person’s behavior. Personally I support you identifying however you want, though I understand other people being less flexible.
If you were a man living in America, people would call you a closeted homosexual, not bisexual. So I think it’s a combination of double standards and gatekeeping. My advice would be to block the negative people so you’ll never interact with them again.
yeah, that’s so true.
gender/sexual fluidity is only allowed for women.
I would jump into this entire discussion with a general question of my own - being bi or gay - is it related to sexual attraction, emotional attraction, or both? For ex. A person of one sex, can find the person of the opposite sex attractive in a sexual way, but could never imagine an emotional bond with the opposite sex.
I would assume it has only to do with sexual attraction, but reading comments… seems blurry.
but I can still enjoy sex with a man on a physical level
So you enjiy both… You’re bi, dude…
A hetero would never even consider sex with women
A lesbian would never consider sex with men
The label isn’t your personality, it’s for other people, to know what is acceptable to expect in a interaction with you…
If you say you’re a lesbian and mention a husband, the first thought of the beholder will be “is he forcing her? Should i intervene?”
Maybe you’re fake, maybe you’re not. I don’t make the rules others use to label you. I’d use the term 80-90% lesbian if I had to pick one for you.
Anyway I do know is that you’re not the only one who have those preferences, whatever they are labelled as.
You are a fake lesbian and you are bisexual.
Your biphobia is your problem, not everyone else’s. Fix yourself and stop blaming people.
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